Give it Away ! Wait ...Give it Away?

It was the first week of my freshman year of college . I remember being so excited . I was hoping to finally have a real boyfriend and finally give away my virginity- Not necessarily in that order. I figured because I was already 18 and was one of the last of my friends to give it up , I didn't see an issue with finding the first cute guy to lose it to . I mean , I learned and had the whole "wait till I'm married"  idea but truth be told ,  I did not see  getting married as an option for a long time.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and if it was even hype at all.

  I was curious .I was dying to know why my friends were cutting school , flunking , lying and scheming just to have sex. I wanted to know why women would lose their minds , their money and themselves  .  I was often told I didn't know what I was missing but I knew I was missing something . I was on the sidelines  while a big event was  going on. I knew what but I never felt it . I was determined to find out .


I remember the first party I went to  and I still remember his face. As usual, I was  in love at first sight but way too shy and feeling way too awkward about my  looks to do anything . He was not too tall but he was in the realm of my type at the time . My type was my complexion and lighter and cute . I wasn't very picky back then and could not appreciate a dark skinned man like I can today; I digress.

   He was light skinned with green eyes and wavy hair . He had a wave pattern in his hair that rivaled the ocean . The waves swirled around his head.   As  they say  where I'm from , his waves were spinning . My favorite was the green eyes though. It was rare and  made him that much more appealing. I saw him way before he saw me . I watched him . He looked at me and I smiled nervously and looked away . He came to talk to me and my roommate and I just knew he was interested in  her . Wrong .


He had a slight lisp which was dorky but cute in a way . He introduced himself and my roommate being the amazing person she was/  is  noticed I was interested so she stepped back but kept a watchful eye .  Even one week into the semester,  she had the makings of a BFF. She is my BFF till this day.  Anyway , as I was talking to him, I remember he asked me to describe myself in one word and I being my rebellious self said , "A walking contradiction." He laughed and said, "that's 3 words ." I responded I could not be reduced to  one word . We left the party and talked . As I'm thinking about this I'm  shocked I still remember this when it was almost 10 years ago .   The first night I met him, we sat in Amitie plaza  which was an outdoor sit down area. We talked and kissed a little and it was sweet .

     I thought he was amazing and he made me feel like I was beautiful  which I did not feel at  the time .  We would see one another and spend time together occasionally when we saw one another.  I just knew he would be the one.   One night I  was coming back from a party and i saw him . I remember I was wearing a fuchsia sweater that was button down and some jeans . He walked me back  to my room and  I let him in . We talked about the decorations and my side of the room was pretty much bare .  We started to kiss and somehow we ended up in the laundry room . I was seated on the dryer and my sweater was open . I  was ready to give it away now .  As I was getting ready to take off my bra he stopped . He took a deep breath and said " I can't do this ."

I was confused . I asked him what he meant . He said that he did not "do" relationships as they were too painful. He went on to say that I was a relationship type and he did not want to hurt me . I was dumbfounded but not speechless.  When I quickly came out of my stupor, I told him that relationships did not have to be painful and I could not possibly see how he could or would hurt me . I  told him  I knew I would not hurt him.  He kissed me and walked away. I was upset . I was left wet on the dryer . But what happened next left me devastated . He stopped talking to me .

     I would try to say hello and he'd walk past me as if he never met me. He ignored me as if he didn't tell me about his family , how he missed his deceased his mother and how he remembered how she used to sing to him. He so easily  turned cold when he shared his hopes and his dreams . I could not believe he just disconnected from me. I was  hurt . I didn't cry , but it hurt .  After some time,  I got over it and I didn't understand fully what he was trying to do until years later but I learned that to him I was worth the wait and I should not just give it away . He was a big part of the reason I didn't have sex until years  later . He let me know that I didn't have to just give it away despite my thoughts . I'll always remember him for that .

We spoke the next year of school but he still kept me at arms length . In hindsight, I believe that he knew what he was capable of and he did not want to involve a innocent looking sweet girl like me (at least at that time ) in his sophomoric shenanigans and sexual conquests . He knew he'd only mess me up and he did not want to hurt me . He ignored me so that I would forget about him  .  I did for a while especially when he left in the middle of  sophomore  year. But every now and again , I still think about him .

I wish I knew where he was . I wish this not to rekindle what we had but to thank him because he made me remember something I almost forgot and forget from time to time- my worth. I thought he was the one  but I guess there were other plans in the stars.  He was right relationships can be painful . For someone who feels like they have not loved greatly , I have experienced a lot of pain . I guess he was trying to diminish the amount I experienced . Though he stopped talking to me , I  still really see him in a positive light.   Maybe it would not be that way had  we continued.  I only hope that wherever he is, he is happy and although I have made a lot of bad choices , I think there would have been way  more if he let me give it away.