Fiyah

There comes a time...

About a week ago I was roaming Facebook.  I mean, you know how it is: You go to read or respond to a post, then you click on a friend's page, which leads to another friend's page, and so on.  So, I got to a page of a young girl from a church I used to attend, and began looking at her "Likes".  A particular quote stood out for me; "She's gonna chase you for a while, but there comes a time when she will give up; that's gonna be the day that you wish you had let her catch you."  My time has come.  I give up.


As you know, I have been talking to "October" since October, and we are in the same place that we were then, now.  Last night I gave up on him, on all of them actually.  You see, there are about three guys in my life at the moment and none of them are holding up to their potential.

Exhibit A: October. 28 years-old, good career, handsome, physically fit, amazing sense of humor, and "doesn't have time for a relationship right now."
Exhibit B: Queensbridge. 31 years-old, ok job, handsome, could lose a few, dry wit, and "is always busy."
Exhibit C: The Ex that could have been the One: 27 years-old, employed, handsome, my soul mate, and "had another girlfriend for four years while I was with him for two."

So, here are these three guys that have the potential to be amazing, but they flopping right now.  So, I give up.  I just want to be alone. My best friend is constantly telling me about what a catch I am, and for a while I didn't realize.  Well, I do now.  I'm exhausted with the so-so bullshit.  There comes a time... and my time is now.

(Water)Stirred but not Shaken

 

 I'm laying down , half asleep after I finished sipping on a wine cooler. I mean I could have been classier and had a glass or two of wine however because of  the kind of week I had , I should've had a shot of sorts. This was the last week of my second semester , in  my first year of school. I had family over, I had family leave and 2 dates with the guy from my previous post "You can find him in the club?". So, needless to say I earned that drink.

Anyway, I am awakened by a BBM by my sister saying , "your ex is here " ,she continued to say, "I'm with Eric." I then wake up.   Just to make sure they are not in my neck of the woods I say, " here , where? "  She says that she is at a bar watching a game and my exes wife keeps looking at her. I then wake up as if I never was asleep or tired. I  write Back, "Hes MARRIED!" . My sister says yes. Now  my sister attempted to quell the blow by telling me she was ...."wack"," not up to par".. etc. It was too late,  the water had been stirred.

 Now it had been 3 years since we were involved  so I really didn't care that he moved on. I really  didn't feel like it should have been me as he has nor been a thought in my life probably since 2009.  The issue , the REAL issue was that , despite my crazy experiences with men, there is a substantial part of me that longs to be married.  I thought , Why is it that HE was married and I wasn't? By no means do I wish to be married to him as our relationship was doomed from the start as he was on the rebound.  But my receiving news of his marriage meant this  me ; Wow, he gets to come home to someone every night. I come home to  books,  Journal articles on psycho-social theory and  the roar of television lights . No human interaction and  the ever presnt fact that he found someone, It made me feel, alone.  Now in all honesty,  I probably wont think about this tomorrow, maybe I will.  The initial shock of it all got me thinking. But as I calm down , I think If I am to be married , I will  be and nothing or no one will get between that. Now,  is just  not my time.  I am content in my life and situation  because  I know this to be true in my heart. So , for just a moment, Water was stirred , but definitely not shaken.

(Water)You Can find him in the club?

I know, I know just like a man , I left  my followers just hanging. No warning, no nothing  and im back with promises to try to keep  on my job.  Well folks, I have to live in order to have something to talk about.  Well , since  I have been on vacation from my 9-5  when its usually a 9-9   and since then I have been doing a lot of thinking. Well, I  went to a party...yes, water went to a party. I couldn't remember the last time I have been to one.   It was a friends party  and it was one of  the milestone ones i could not opt out. So I do what I usually do, sit down and pretend like I have no rhythm and  babysat a drink.   As the barrage of genere's of music continued to play, my weakness arrived. Reggae and Soca. I sat  and swayed my hips from side to side moving to the tides of the music.  He  came to me , extremely respectfully asking me to dance. To tell the truth, I rolled my eyes but he was the tall dark type , so i said  to myself , why not? So I danced with him. I gave him the most half-fast / half assed wine I could muster up.  I am a inflictor / victim of self sabotage.  He said he'd teach me to dance. I laughed as little did he know , I was faking it .  In my mind all I had to do was not hear any of my "jams".  As long as they did not play any of my soca favorites , I  would not be in trouble and I would not be discovered. 

So he asks me if  I woud like a drink. I thought  no no no. But he insisted and I insisted I would not drink it. He bought it anyway.  While he went to get me a drink,  it happened. They played one of my "jams" I tried hard to resist the rhythm but  by the time the singer began to sing I was in a full wine . When I was spinning around the dance floor , he came back.  I , was caught.  He said nothing and handed me the drink and walked away. I was confused but I continued to dance and then I went over to talk to him.  His leaving me alone and polite demeanor confused me and intruiged me. I could not help  myself. Water lives for a mystery.  I walked up to him and said , you never told me your name. He  said, this lonng  name I knew I would never get but he luckily said people call him a nick name which consisted of 2 letters.  I was glad I did not have to remember his real name. He had  what I often mention I love.-an accent( smile , deep sigh)  . We talked ,  and we  went outside to talk. We just talked. He was easy to talk to  and, he was smart, he knew of global issues , clonialism, politics and we were able to just laugh.  My mind smiled but was not completely convinced.  But  he could talk to me. He could talk to me about anything.  Not to toot my own horn but , its rare that someone could match wits with me.  I gave him my number but I still wasnt convinced but he had all the credence. He had a job, a car, a degree and is in grad school and he could keep  up with me intellectually.  Yet I wasn't convinced was it possible to find him in the club ?