See, sometimes we do things that we know we have no business doing. I wasdoing something I have no business doing on and off for the a year. I was about 2 years ago. I guess I shouldn’t have been doing it but , sometimes seizing the day means being self indulgent even if it reaps self destruction . I was chasing after something that could not be. Am I done chasing? Yes. I have written about him in various posts however, I think that’s why I liked him. He kept me entertained, he kept me interested and he kept me guessing.
The first time I met him, I knew that either this was going to be amazing, or it was going to be a disaster. He reminded me of one of my favorite situations but cooler , more savy and crazier. I also knew that I had never felt that spark so quickly. He made me feel like the main character in the adjustment bureau the first night I met him, I knew nothing would be the same again. During our situation, I felt like Mary J. “Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good..." you know the rest. And today I take it back to Mariah Carey's " Cant let Go" . Even though I try, I can’t let go. Art is life - point blank period.
Initially I wondered why he was so fun and charming when I met him. I was intoxicated by the fact that he was not intimidated by me. He was curious. He asked all the questions and I loved that he was interested in me. He was sour cream and onion chips personified and as my brother says "Bitches love sour cream and onion". He tried to spare me by telling me that I freaked him out but I would just say grow up.
I never saw him much, but whenever we did see one another, we had a good time. Sometimes there was sex, sometimes there was not, but I was always happy to be in his presence. He made me feel like a kid again. Maybe not a kid but definitely reminded me that I was still young and it was okay to have fun, live freely without rules, without living up to what others expect of you , and to be comfortable. He made me feel great to be me and comfortable. Never in my short life have I met any man I was interested romantically who did this for me.
Though he took me to my highest heights, the lows were just that. I’m good for throwing men in the garbage for this but I don’t know. He would ignore my texts, calls and never truly did anything to make me feel like I was someone that could be his. It is hard to say but it is true. All we ever did was hang out at his house. I didn’t really ask , but he never offered to take me out. I knew I liked him but I was never sure if I wanted to be anything more that what we were. I just knew I liked having him in my life. Just having someone I could talk to and just be with that did not make demands on me was worth it.
The other night, I was feeling a little frisky and so I called him. (Sue me, Everyone is entitled to hoe moments.) He didn’t answer. I thought he was mad at me because I told him off the week prior so I text him. He then said to me that he wanted to be honest with me and he wanted me to know that he was not looking for anything serious and all he wanted was sexual favors. At that moment, that was all I wanted too. I was mad that he was saying these things to me not because I was upset , but in that moment, he was killing my vibe . Now this was not his usual and we never discussed this since our last blow out. I said to him that I wanted to know why. He said that he knew he would not marry me. I was freaked out because all I wanted was sex. I know this is bad but it was true. I was reading what he was saying through goggles of lust. Nothing else mattered in that moment. I did tell him that I wanted him never to lie to me. He agreed but there are no guarantees.
So I went to see him. He was himself as usual however; he did not want to kiss me like he once had. He didn’t hold me like he used to but still was hilarious as ever. When I woke up the next morning, I realized that this should be the last time we meet. I woke him up to say goodbye but I did not touch him. Normally he will ask if he would see me again or if I’d call him- He did not. Normally I would kiss him – I didn’t. . The haze of the night was over, our lust lenses dispersed with the coming of the sun. I think we both knew it should end there.
I wonder about his claim about the sparks. I wonder if he in fact did not feel them. I sincerely doubt it. How could he smile and look at me like that, deal with my antics rants and raves, hold me, sleep cuddled with me and all and all made me feel again. Maybe it was all a game, maybe it wasn’t but I know that for some reason we will never be anything other than what we were. Stay tuned. Hopefully there will be no more posts of me going back to him. He was just one of those things.
Have you ever dealt with someone who you know should be left alone? How did you handle it?
What did you think I should do?
