Hey Mr. DJ

 This story was told to my by a friend of mine who read the blog and wanted to share:
Wrote about it like to hear it, Well here it goes-

   She met Mr. DJ at a block party. Though she was with another guy and his job was to rock the party, she appeared to be rocking his interest.   He was cute

At first everything was great; he bought flowers, took her to dinner and did all the right things when courting a woman.  He was sweet, caring and fun. Initially he would always ask her to come to his jobs but the only thing was that she had to let him know before she came.   I mean this sounds innocent enough however; it never usually is with these stories.  Why did she have to let him know?  Was it so she could receive preferential treatment or was it to keep tabs on her as well as his other women?

One week he invited her to his house for the following weekend  and offered to make her dinner. She thought that since he was being so nice to her and was very sweet, she would finally go to one of his parties and surprise him- What a nice thing to do.  

Now because she was not so skilled, she could not spin the surprise without asking a bunch of questions pertaining to where he would be working, how long, and the times he was scheduled to work.  Because she asked so many questions as us women often do, he became suspicious and told her if she were coming, she was to let him know. He insisted and it almost became an argument.  Right then and there  I think she should have known that  Mr. DJ was probably working more than his turntables and vinyl records . That’s what I thought. What do you think?  

Here is the answer. So she grabbed her girls , got her freakum dress on and went to go party with her girls and surprise her new boo.  When she got there, she went to speak to the bouncer and stated her name and she was the girlfriend of the DJ for the night and she was surprising him. The bouncer went in and then came out with a puzzled face. He said that the DJ claimed that he did not know her. I only imagine what I would have done. As brave as she was insisted that it was the right place and was somehow able to get the bouncer to let her in.  

When she got in, she saw him and was given a table right by the DJ booth. She saw other girls on the other side of the booth at the table. She thought that they were the average hating bum bitches.  You know the ones who have to throw shade at another female just because.    Well as the night progressed and  he rocked the party , she walked around bored as he was not her type of  DJ.  She went to the upper level of the club to stand and people watch. At that moment one of the random haters ran toward her crying.  The girl revealed that she was married to Mr. DJ and they had two small children together.   The hater was the DJ's wife.  My friend spent the whole night consoling her and never spoke to Mr. DJ again.  

What would you have done?  Would you be able to console the wife of the cheating snake of a DJ? Could you ever trust again?  Let me know.    

Zip it

Though I have been working on it and I believe I have been doing much better than I had in the past 5 years the problem remains - my mouth.  I can be maddening and  extremely hurtful. Allow me to go through a few things I have said to men:

" You are a cheap immitation of a human being"
" Did you really think you could do better than me, dont give yourself that much credit"
" Oh , I  was supposed to be impressed, thats cute. "
" Your mother should have swallowed you"

Im sure I have said worse however,  thats all I can  think of on the top of my head.  Needless to say, I do curse but I dont need to to crush egos, hearts, and feelings.  I'm pretty mild mannered otherwise but when it comes to being upset by a man who I am getting to know or dating, I tend to go below the belt.  I never knew where it stemmed from until I  had a conversation with one of my girlfriends.  I did not know it at the time , but I was in a emotionally abusive relationship  and since then, I do my best to let a guy know you will not talk to me any type of way at any moment .  I think I spoke about him before  but im not sure. 

No matter what I did , It was never good enough . It started off with me not being his type.  Despite this, he would always call me text me and get upset if I didnt want to see him.  He would then make comments about what I would wear. He loved to say that I couldn't dress.  The next thing was my body.   My butt was too small, I was too big. When I did lose weight partially  because of him, the new comment was , "Well you're not Beyonce" , Since  I did not know what to say to him back then , when he said those things and his actions proved otherwise, I just said nothing. Now that I look back on it , that guy was crazy  but I attract that( apparently you know this if you have been reading) . 

After him, I couldn't and would not allow anyone to make me feel the least bit slighted without going overborard. I would attack a mans insecurities , crush their  dreams when the did something as small as not calling me when they said they would .  Perhaps I am/ was crazy. Perhaps I was  getting revenge  because I cannot get revenge on that person.   To be honest , the perhaps does not matter. What matters most is I am learning that this is not the way to live life or to treat people. I used to feel good when I would "let them have it" but now it does not feel good. I dont like making people feel like I used to feel. Every now and again I have problems  with curbing my mouth but I have learned to communicate my frustration in that moment and not  bringing my old baggage into new vacations.   I am learning to zip it.  Does any of this resonate with any of you ?

Flaws and All

 I really feel like a bad person for thinking the way I think when it comes to this guy. I can’t change it but that’s how I feel.

  Well in my online dating exploration, I met a guy. He was cool and I loved talking to him over the phone. He was younger and still lived at home so, I decided against being serious about him. In addition to this he seemed  unintelligent.  He was/ is a really sweet guy and he seemed to genuinely be interested in me. Thing is that I don’t respect you intellectually, I can’t be with you.  Not to mention, living at home without a stable career was not the best move for me.  Because he was cool and funny, I remained in contact with him. He would want me to see him but I wouldn’t go.  I did not want to.  One because he still could’ve been crazy strange and deranged. The other was I knew I was exactly what he was looking for but he wasn’t what I was looking for. I also was concerned he did not want to remain friends with me and he was buying his time until I got lonely, desperate etc. 

After a year, we finally met.  I knew he was overweight but he was really big.  I couldnt believe it.  I even feel bad for writing this but he was. He was bigger than I could even imagine as he tricked me with far away and face only pictures.Strike.     He was sloppily dressed.Strike. His clothes were super baggy, his sneakers were super old and he had chest hair coming out of his shirt. Chest hair equals yuck in my book. As I write this I see my ticket to hell appearing – shame on me for being shallow.


  I said to myself just go on the date or whatever and see how it goes. I mean why not.  We went to the cheapest restaurant I could think of. I could eat a good meal for $20. Anyway, I told myself I would not let him pay as he seemed like the type that spent lots of money on girls. I cannot be bought –but if I like you, I will let you spend money on me. Call it what you want but, that’s how I roll.  Moving right along, I had a good time with him as he was cool.  The issue was I had a good time like I have with my friends- the girls.  He was touching my hand and I felt nothing. In fact, I wanted him to not touch me. It was not yucky, it was just awkward.   I let him touch my hand because I felt like It wouldn’t kill me and he was cool to talk to. He ate ribs- I don’t eat pork. Strike .  He said he was on a diet- we were at a barbeque place.Strike.  There were minor inconsistencies that did not add up and more things I could not dismiss. He has diabetes, sleep apnea, asthma and high blood pressure. I’m sure they were all related to his obesity. I’m not a size four, but when your weight affects your health and impedes your ability to breathe – I can’t. Did I mention he’s younger than me?  Scary.  I dont even know why I continued the night.

After we ate, I paid the bill and we walked. I know I am going to sound wrong but, this was my effort in getting him to exercise.    In addition to this, I walked him to the train station so he could go home.  As we continued to talk, he disclosed that he lost 100 pounds by getting the lap band. He was under 25 at the time. I congratulated him however, I thought to myself, how are you so young and need this thing, why are you still eating ribs, and why aren’t you working out? Now I did not ask him these questions however, I did get the information I needed from him. He just wasn’t- no reason and he did not seem the least bit interested in changing his habits.  In any event just not for me.   I feel like a bad person because he is really nice and I had too many judgments. In any event I just didn’t like him like that -flaws and all.  What would you have done?

Equal opportunity dating?

I would like to consider myself an equal opportunity dater. You know, basically if you  are my preference , I really don't care what your race is.  I've dated black, white, Indian, Chinese - cute is cute.
Every now and again, when I meet someone new , or I discuss this with people for the first time , I get shock, surprise and more often than I would like, disdain.  

Recently , when I was seeing the guy from " Nobody's sleeping in your bed", I remember being forced into saying I was going on a date.  I was then asked who the guy was. Then  I was asked where the guy was from .  I answered .. " What do you mean"? I often ask this when people ask because , I am first generation American so when I'm asked where I'm from, I say my borough , my state, or my family's country of origin ( depending on how I feel) .  The person then clarified. I explained that the guy was Turkish and she asked if he was white. I said  yea nonchalantly as she looked on in horror. She  said , she did not expect this from me as I was a positive, educated "sister" .  I wasnt offended but I did hear, you know your roots, why do you date outside of your race?   She then asked if I couldn't find a black man. I thought , I could but ,  this was the person who I was dating and race was never really an issue for me and I wasnt raised to look at color. She said she understood but, she seemed to not be too keen on the idea. 

I then remember a conversation I had years before with a black man I was talking to at the time.  One day we got into a heated discussion where he told me  that black women had too much mouth and that is why black men date outside of their race. I  said to  him , unfazed , "You can date all the non-black women you'd like because just like I can date a black man , I easily can date a white one as well." Needless to say,  I shut him up.  I do have a lot of mouth, however, I was not insulted by his comments.

 If black men can have jungle fever, platanos and collard greens ,  and whatever interracial love, Why can't I? Why do I have to be mad at black men for doing it ? Truth is I dont.

 I do not feel like I MUST marry , date, or talk to only black men. I date men-all types  . What their race is  means nothing to me as long as you aren't a jerk. I get a lot of questions and a lot of " I couldn't do that " from lots of my friends .  Many say to me, "Why ?"  I say, "Why not?" I see beauty in all of  Gods creations.  Though I grew up in the city and  I have dated mostly black men,   I date whoever I want- why close the selection pool?  My only pre-requisite is a man with a good job education . Color is not required.

It still is crazy to me that in this day and age and in this country color is still an issue. Some people say that its not , but it is. Because whenever I go on a date, and I'm telling my friends,some give  a sigh of relief when I am dating my own kind. I for one do  not care who I end up with, I just hope they can love and respect me and my family . I also hope  his family can respect and love me. I feel like if you have that , everything else is moot. What do you think?

A Shot of Emotonal Cool

I think about Frank Ocean's song Novacane. I listen to this song just about every morning. .   In the second  sentence  in the song  he sings , “ I got what I wanted  didn’t I? I can’t feel nothing". I actually put it on as I am writing because of how painfully beautiful the song is. It is so sad that it is too painful to feel especially in romantic relationships.  We go on a hunt to numb the pain but in the end we feel nothing not even pleasure.  One of the many ironies of life.  


Yesterday, I had a conversation with  a group of my girlfriends  from high school  about travel plans. One of my friends seemed out of it. When we asked her what was wrong, she reported that she was catching feelings for someone and she did not like it.   She said to us that she was spending a lot of time with him lately and she did not know what to do with herself.  She spoke about having feelings for another as if it were somehow a death sentence. She did not want to be hurt again and she did not want to have such strong feelings that in the end could cause her to be betrayed and devastated.   Of Course, she did not use those words, but that was the gist of it.  She was also looking desperately to somehow numb her feelings for this guy. Emotional Novocain

When I think about this, I think about my own feelings. Though I have never been in love, I feel like I have felt something like that. I met a guy a long time ago. Although I do not see him or speak to him much, he is the only guy that I have ever truly felt comfortable with.  When we are together, I feel protected and at peace. What I hate about him is that he knows how  I feel about him yet he keeps me at arms length. I wonder if he has this fear as well.  He once said to me that he feels that when you treat girls bad, that’s when they love you and they ignore you when you treat them right. I know I am good for a shenanigan, a game or a lie or two BUT I do truly care about him. My shenanigans and games are used because I am afraid to get close to him and I do stupid things and say stupid things to upset him and to keep him away. I know him and he knows me. He knows that I hate being ignored. I know he hates repeating himself- so sometimes I don’t listen.  I  need to take a vacation from my feelings at times. I go months without talking to him.   I do this because  I wish I did not care for him as I feel I care way more than he does and he is better at masking his emotions than I am.  I wish I was cooler ,  calmer and more collected around him.  Sometimes I pray for a little Novocain  with him.    

I had a professor once who compared relationships to hot mozzarella cheese ( Im serious    but bare with me) . In other words you may pull away, but its really hard to break  it . So people pull away from one another.  People pull away for fear of getting hurt or being too wrapped up. They long for Novocain because the low is not worth the highs of the love drug.    Somehow introducing yourself to feeling nothingness is better than pain.   I have seen Novocain in so many forms.  You date as many as possible, withdraw whenever possible ,  or  ignore feelings.   They intentionally hurt others so that they do not hurt.  The numbing of Novocain seems to be running rampant.    How about you , would you like a shot of emotional Novacain