A Shot of Emotonal Cool

I think about Frank Ocean's song Novacane. I listen to this song just about every morning. .   In the second  sentence  in the song  he sings , “ I got what I wanted  didn’t I? I can’t feel nothing". I actually put it on as I am writing because of how painfully beautiful the song is. It is so sad that it is too painful to feel especially in romantic relationships.  We go on a hunt to numb the pain but in the end we feel nothing not even pleasure.  One of the many ironies of life.  


Yesterday, I had a conversation with  a group of my girlfriends  from high school  about travel plans. One of my friends seemed out of it. When we asked her what was wrong, she reported that she was catching feelings for someone and she did not like it.   She said to us that she was spending a lot of time with him lately and she did not know what to do with herself.  She spoke about having feelings for another as if it were somehow a death sentence. She did not want to be hurt again and she did not want to have such strong feelings that in the end could cause her to be betrayed and devastated.   Of Course, she did not use those words, but that was the gist of it.  She was also looking desperately to somehow numb her feelings for this guy. Emotional Novocain

When I think about this, I think about my own feelings. Though I have never been in love, I feel like I have felt something like that. I met a guy a long time ago. Although I do not see him or speak to him much, he is the only guy that I have ever truly felt comfortable with.  When we are together, I feel protected and at peace. What I hate about him is that he knows how  I feel about him yet he keeps me at arms length. I wonder if he has this fear as well.  He once said to me that he feels that when you treat girls bad, that’s when they love you and they ignore you when you treat them right. I know I am good for a shenanigan, a game or a lie or two BUT I do truly care about him. My shenanigans and games are used because I am afraid to get close to him and I do stupid things and say stupid things to upset him and to keep him away. I know him and he knows me. He knows that I hate being ignored. I know he hates repeating himself- so sometimes I don’t listen.  I  need to take a vacation from my feelings at times. I go months without talking to him.   I do this because  I wish I did not care for him as I feel I care way more than he does and he is better at masking his emotions than I am.  I wish I was cooler ,  calmer and more collected around him.  Sometimes I pray for a little Novocain  with him.    

I had a professor once who compared relationships to hot mozzarella cheese ( Im serious    but bare with me) . In other words you may pull away, but its really hard to break  it . So people pull away from one another.  People pull away for fear of getting hurt or being too wrapped up. They long for Novocain because the low is not worth the highs of the love drug.    Somehow introducing yourself to feeling nothingness is better than pain.   I have seen Novocain in so many forms.  You date as many as possible, withdraw whenever possible ,  or  ignore feelings.   They intentionally hurt others so that they do not hurt.  The numbing of Novocain seems to be running rampant.    How about you , would you like a shot of emotional Novacain