10 years ago, It really didn't matter how old I was , however, I remember what I imagined for myself right now. I imagined meeting the love of my life in college, being married by 25 and having my first child at 27. This was my plan. There was nothing or no one who could tell me that this was not going to happen. Now that I look back and it hasn't happened. Not one bit of it. I can't help but wonder , why did I think it would be so easy for me? Why did I pick these numbers out of the sky ? Well there is a long answer , and a short answer for that. For the purposes of time, we are going to go with the short answer.
Well I thought about it in terms of school and my dreams. My life was always first and foremost about school and work. It still is. My goal in life until 2005 was to be a lawyer. I figured I would meet the man of my dreams in law school, and wed get married after I graduated (25) and I would wait 2 years to have a baby as I had a career to start. It was a cute plan however, you don't just meet that person when you are ready. It happens when it is supposed to happen.
I still struggle with that. I try to force things. I always try to apply the same rules that applies to school to my personal life. That's just a bad idea. I figure if I want to do it and I'm ready to then it should just happen . I am working on it. In interim, Water will be splashing her thoughts feelings and experiences on this blog. Till next time.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Run For Your Life ! ( Water)
I run quickly. I run swiftly. I run because I'm cowardly. My dating style has no bravery. I run because it’s easy. I say this because since I have been writing; MOST of my posts have been of the ills I've experienced. But today I am going to talk about how I've been my own worst enemy working against the elements. It started when I was 14. Of course some of my reasons for running back then were valid. The main reason was there even then. I did not think I really could find someone without something going horribly wrong.
I remember this 14-year-old boy. Handsome, tall and he was so mature looking that I thought he was 17. I would see him when I was working my summer job. He chased me the entire summer and I finally gave him my number. He would call me and talk to me. But my rage against the elements led me to hang up on him. Just; because. He never called again. I ran.
Next was in high school. He was my first kiss. He of course was tall. He was already 6'7" at 16. I remember we were in a sort of marching band together and we had an away trip. I don't remember why but his mother hit him. I was embarrassed. Not to mention, I didn't think he deserved it .I didn't like his mother and he was embarrassing so I ran.
In college, all I did was run. I ran away from men ant straight into books and activities. I have so many “what if’s” from that time period because I did not want to get too involved into someone because I knew my time there was temporary and I felt like a tropical fish in cold water. Anyway, while I am writing this, I can think of at least 4 men that I ran from that could have given me what I always say I want . I say I want the stability, love, and adoration, which I never have had. One day, I will be done running. One day I will take ownership for not only what was done to me but what I have done. Maybe when I have done these things, I will be able to stop running.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Too Little , Too Late ( Water)
I saw him last week for the first time in over 2 years. He was the one who said he did not see it working out between the two of us and the one who broke it off. I saw him and felt nothing. Actually I saw him and thought to myself " Water, really, you were sweating THAT?!" I was embarrassed. He asks me if I was engaged yet because any man would be happy with me. He said it with the "I really f*ed this one up this time" look. I almost laughed . Luckily for me, I smile a lot so usually, no one knows what is the motivation behind my smile. I smiled because in that moment I felt nothing, and I had my "moment" the one every woman hopes for when a man does her wrong . I looked fabulous. My hair nails shoes and makeup was flawless . Your boy had on normal "cook out" attire. If you don't know , its some t-shirt, shorts and sneakers. He had on a white t blue cargo shorts and white air force one's. (Yawn , eye roll ) In a lounge. I was embarrassed for him. I finally understood what my older sisters and cousins and aunts meant when they spoke of these moments . He had been punched in the gut because of his own stupidity. The only thing that would have made this moment better if I was really engaged and I was at this party with my fiance. However, Since I'm not engaged , it could not have been any better. He made small talk with me and I answered but definitely more interested in talking to the guy I was texting than him. He told me that he is single and his career put a damper on his love life. I told him , everyone makes time for what they want to have time for. Because my love life was great because I was dating and loving it.
The funny thing was , I really was telling the truth. I looked back 2 years or so ago when I met him. A friend recommended him to me. She said his only issue was that he was cheap however, he was working on it. My friend stated that he had all the things I liked. He was tall educated , a job and was doing well financially. I met him and we went out to eat. We split the bill ( red flag) . He had a issue if I did not answer his calls however, If he was unavailable to answer mine, I was to say nothing about it. He lived in another state and when I went to visit him, He left me in a messy house with no food. He asked me to clean his house. He went to work and he left me and brought nothing back. He made a sandwich and asked me if I wanted a piece. Really!? I thought, No I don't want half a turkey sandwich when I just cleaned and organized your dirty house!? But I said nothing. And the icing on the cake was , it was too little. You know what I mean. I remember one conversation we had when he said to me that he hated his ex. I said to him, until you let go of that hate, you will never be able to properly love. Boy was I ever on target.
When I look back , I say it was my desperation to be in a relationship at that time allowed me to endure such inconsideration and madness. It was my longing to be with someone that led me to be treated less than what I deserved by anyone. To my readers I say , DON'T EVER DO THAT! I mean it. I have a lot of moments when I shake my head and that period in my life is definitely one of them.
Recently, he has been texting, asking how I'm doing and asking about my family and friends . Not to mention he does not know any of my family and we only have one mutual friend so that's just weird. Its funny how all this attention you are giving me was not given when I was trying to be (for lack of a better phrase) down with you. Little does he know he cant ever be anything more than a friend and definitely no benefits. I just have to say that he is too little too late on so many levels.
The funny thing was , I really was telling the truth. I looked back 2 years or so ago when I met him. A friend recommended him to me. She said his only issue was that he was cheap however, he was working on it. My friend stated that he had all the things I liked. He was tall educated , a job and was doing well financially. I met him and we went out to eat. We split the bill ( red flag) . He had a issue if I did not answer his calls however, If he was unavailable to answer mine, I was to say nothing about it. He lived in another state and when I went to visit him, He left me in a messy house with no food. He asked me to clean his house. He went to work and he left me and brought nothing back. He made a sandwich and asked me if I wanted a piece. Really!? I thought, No I don't want half a turkey sandwich when I just cleaned and organized your dirty house!? But I said nothing. And the icing on the cake was , it was too little. You know what I mean. I remember one conversation we had when he said to me that he hated his ex. I said to him, until you let go of that hate, you will never be able to properly love. Boy was I ever on target.
When I look back , I say it was my desperation to be in a relationship at that time allowed me to endure such inconsideration and madness. It was my longing to be with someone that led me to be treated less than what I deserved by anyone. To my readers I say , DON'T EVER DO THAT! I mean it. I have a lot of moments when I shake my head and that period in my life is definitely one of them.
Recently, he has been texting, asking how I'm doing and asking about my family and friends . Not to mention he does not know any of my family and we only have one mutual friend so that's just weird. Its funny how all this attention you are giving me was not given when I was trying to be (for lack of a better phrase) down with you. Little does he know he cant ever be anything more than a friend and definitely no benefits. I just have to say that he is too little too late on so many levels.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Eater (Water)
What if you love pumpkins, you have a squash but you know you love pumpkins. You see a pumpkin and because you have a squash you try and try but you can't help but succumb to the temptation of the pumpkin. So you don't let it pass you by.
Some of you are saying why the heck is water talking about gourd vegetables? What does she mean. I mean this; Yes, there is a story coming. I was dating someone who I thought I liked until I met, HIM. Now , I'm not the date around go around have plenty type. I have never ever done this before. I could say it was all him but it wasn't . He was EXTREMELY handsome and tall. And in all honesty, you don't have to look good but there is something about a man over 6'3" that gets me going.
I met him at a party, ( I told you , I've been doing some heavy living this summer) . My friend invited him. The minute I saw him , my friend walked over to me and said, " I know that's how you like them " . She, ladies and gentelment (ha ha) is a true friend, the woman was spot on and I was in another mode . In an instant, the thought of the squash I was seeing was squashed like a fly on the wall and all I saw, was my pumpkin prince.
Aside from being handsome, he had a career, a masters and his own apartment. I could not let that pass me up. So I talked to him. You know, the small talk. Whats your name , whats your sign. I then gave him my number . He called me and we began texting while at the party. Oddly enough, it seemed everyone and their mother was at that party, co workers , old friends and friends of friends so as we moved through the place , we texted . So, he asked me to go home with him. I tried to fight it by saying no. But, deep down inside , I knew I was going. I eventually agreed and I gave him one of my usual off-color caveat's . I told him , he was not getting any, and if he decided to commit a crime against me, there was no one to defame my character and nothing to damage my credibility . He laughed and agreed , so I went.
He was a gentleman. He talked a lot , which was weird to me because I thought he would spend the late night trying to get in my pants- he didn't. We talked and we kissed . We fell asleep spooning . It was sweet, though I did feel bad for going home with a stranger. Anyway, I fell asleep. I found a peace next to him that I have never found laying next to any of my exes or alone in my bed. I was totally knocked out. I felt , safe. I felt comfortable. I was confused and did not know what to do. Not to mention, I was supposed to be seeing someone who I was supposed to like. I was seeing someone who I was supposed to be building something with. Yet, I found myself in the arms of another man. Most say this was not cheating, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have had a fit.
So I confess , I am a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
Some of you are saying why the heck is water talking about gourd vegetables? What does she mean. I mean this; Yes, there is a story coming. I was dating someone who I thought I liked until I met, HIM. Now , I'm not the date around go around have plenty type. I have never ever done this before. I could say it was all him but it wasn't . He was EXTREMELY handsome and tall. And in all honesty, you don't have to look good but there is something about a man over 6'3" that gets me going.
I met him at a party, ( I told you , I've been doing some heavy living this summer) . My friend invited him. The minute I saw him , my friend walked over to me and said, " I know that's how you like them " . She, ladies and gentelment (ha ha) is a true friend, the woman was spot on and I was in another mode . In an instant, the thought of the squash I was seeing was squashed like a fly on the wall and all I saw, was my pumpkin prince.
Aside from being handsome, he had a career, a masters and his own apartment. I could not let that pass me up. So I talked to him. You know, the small talk. Whats your name , whats your sign. I then gave him my number . He called me and we began texting while at the party. Oddly enough, it seemed everyone and their mother was at that party, co workers , old friends and friends of friends so as we moved through the place , we texted . So, he asked me to go home with him. I tried to fight it by saying no. But, deep down inside , I knew I was going. I eventually agreed and I gave him one of my usual off-color caveat's . I told him , he was not getting any, and if he decided to commit a crime against me, there was no one to defame my character and nothing to damage my credibility . He laughed and agreed , so I went.
He was a gentleman. He talked a lot , which was weird to me because I thought he would spend the late night trying to get in my pants- he didn't. We talked and we kissed . We fell asleep spooning . It was sweet, though I did feel bad for going home with a stranger. Anyway, I fell asleep. I found a peace next to him that I have never found laying next to any of my exes or alone in my bed. I was totally knocked out. I felt , safe. I felt comfortable. I was confused and did not know what to do. Not to mention, I was supposed to be seeing someone who I was supposed to like. I was seeing someone who I was supposed to be building something with. Yet, I found myself in the arms of another man. Most say this was not cheating, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I would have had a fit.
So I confess , I am a cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I Wonder if I Take You Home (Water)
The age old question . How soon is too soon to give or receive a little (or a lot of) physical love. A day? How about a week? Maybe a month? Do I hear 6 months ? What about a year . A Decade . When you get married . How long should you wait ? When do you know it was "worth it " . When is it not ?Truth be told, only time will tell.
I have a friend who gave it up on the first night and is now in a great relationship that has lasted for 3 years . Got another who waited a month and is in and has been with her boyfriend since 2006 . I made a guy wait 3 years and let's just say . If I could take it back , I would . So with those references in mind , what can you do ?
I always wonder what is too soon and what is not soon enough . Well , in. My 20 some odd years of life , I've learned that "too soon" is not a measure of time and space . It is a measure of that kinetic energy that flows between the two of you . Now if you feel you probably shouldn't be doing it .....DON'T and make sure you are always doing what's right for you . In then end if you do something expecting something to come out of it , more likely then not, you just may be disappointed but if you wanted to do it and it felt/feels right . Make like Nike (safely of course) .
I have a friend who gave it up on the first night and is now in a great relationship that has lasted for 3 years . Got another who waited a month and is in and has been with her boyfriend since 2006 . I made a guy wait 3 years and let's just say . If I could take it back , I would . So with those references in mind , what can you do ?
I always wonder what is too soon and what is not soon enough . Well , in. My 20 some odd years of life , I've learned that "too soon" is not a measure of time and space . It is a measure of that kinetic energy that flows between the two of you . Now if you feel you probably shouldn't be doing it .....DON'T and make sure you are always doing what's right for you . In then end if you do something expecting something to come out of it , more likely then not, you just may be disappointed but if you wanted to do it and it felt/feels right . Make like Nike (safely of course) .
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Memories Dont Live Like People Do.... They never die ( Water)
I didn't know I missed him until I started reminiscing about him. I remember him so clearly as if the last time I saw him was not 5 years ago. I remember the date , but I don't want to be that much of a sap. Anyway, I remember , he gave me a bottle holder and something else. He was always giving me something, but could never say anything. I can say , out of all the guys I talked to for the purpose of possibly dating, he is the only one I still speak to from time to time.To see how he's doing. The only one I care about. I wonder about him, his thoughts, his feelings, if he's OK. And of course I think of what could have been. Its like the relationship between Nia Long and Taye Diggs characters in the movie "The Best Man" . I wonder what would have happened , If we were older, more comfortable with ourselves and less afraid of the restrictions on us set forth by society. Perhaps, I would be sitting next to him instead of sitting here typing bout him.
My reasons for saying this is because he was just so different from me but were were the same in that we had pure hearts but we were wet behind the ears, about to graduate and although the law said we were adults, we had no idea what life was about . Despite this, the minimal idea of what we did have in mind about life, differed vastly. I digress. I said all of this to say. That the memories of him that I had that year of college , was something that I will never forget. Memories don't live like people do. There is always that one , that you always wonder what if. The memories every now and again keep you going. But unfortunately, you must move forward as I must.
My reasons for saying this is because he was just so different from me but were were the same in that we had pure hearts but we were wet behind the ears, about to graduate and although the law said we were adults, we had no idea what life was about . Despite this, the minimal idea of what we did have in mind about life, differed vastly. I digress. I said all of this to say. That the memories of him that I had that year of college , was something that I will never forget. Memories don't live like people do. There is always that one , that you always wonder what if. The memories every now and again keep you going. But unfortunately, you must move forward as I must.
Gotta Have a J.O.B. ( Water )
So , I fell off the deep end , so sue me. I actually have to do some dating to have something to say. I have been dating heavily lately. So , I will be hitting you with various experiences that I have had since we last met. OK . Without further delay........
Pebbles was right one when she said "Gotta have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me , Ain't nothing going on but the rent". Now I do not know for sure if I sound gold digger-esque by saying it but here goes . Listen , I work hard for what I have and I don't want to support anyone else. I have a career, a degree, and a nice apartment. So I do bring a lot to the table when I say , You need a job and to be in command of your financial situation when it comes to wanting to date me. This brings me to the last guy I was seeing. In his defense, he did have a Job but I guess, it was not working for him. We had been seeing one another for 2 months. I met him at a lounge. I usually don't even speak to the guys I meet when I go to those types of places. But he seemed "different" (But they all seem different at the initial juncture ). He didn't seem hard up or in a rush to get me naked. So I gave him a chance.
.
First, things were going well but he would never pick me up , only drop me off. When I asked about it, he said he could not afford to because of gas prices. I accepted that because I know the gas prices are outrageous . Another incident , He asked me to pay for parking because we were downtown and he couldn't find anything and had to pay a parking garage. After that it was groceries for a BBQ . Then the icing on the cake was , (drum roll) He asked me to pay a parking ticket. Pump the breaks home boy! I thought to myself, You want me to do WHAT!? I could not believe the audacity. This was not my boyfriend, this was not someone I had known for years or even half a year , yet he thought it was OK to ask me for cash dollars. Big mistake .
I thought to myself , if its like this two months in, I could only imagine what it would be like 2 years in. I couldn't. I just could not understand why , if you have a job , you don't have any money ? What could you possibly be spending your cash on? It causes me to think that you have other things going on that prevent you from properly managing your finances. Also , in 2 months why am I suddenly your go-to-guy? All I knew was that this was a responsibility that I did not want. I do understand that we all have our hard times,however , If you have hard times, there is no reason you should be out clubbing . I also believe, that as a man, you should be a provider and I was not seeing the potential to provide for me. So , I split .
Pebbles was right one when she said "Gotta have a J-O-B if you wanna be with me , Ain't nothing going on but the rent". Now I do not know for sure if I sound gold digger-esque by saying it but here goes . Listen , I work hard for what I have and I don't want to support anyone else. I have a career, a degree, and a nice apartment. So I do bring a lot to the table when I say , You need a job and to be in command of your financial situation when it comes to wanting to date me. This brings me to the last guy I was seeing. In his defense, he did have a Job but I guess, it was not working for him. We had been seeing one another for 2 months. I met him at a lounge. I usually don't even speak to the guys I meet when I go to those types of places. But he seemed "different" (But they all seem different at the initial juncture ). He didn't seem hard up or in a rush to get me naked. So I gave him a chance.
.
First, things were going well but he would never pick me up , only drop me off. When I asked about it, he said he could not afford to because of gas prices. I accepted that because I know the gas prices are outrageous . Another incident , He asked me to pay for parking because we were downtown and he couldn't find anything and had to pay a parking garage. After that it was groceries for a BBQ . Then the icing on the cake was , (drum roll) He asked me to pay a parking ticket. Pump the breaks home boy! I thought to myself, You want me to do WHAT!? I could not believe the audacity. This was not my boyfriend, this was not someone I had known for years or even half a year , yet he thought it was OK to ask me for cash dollars. Big mistake .
I thought to myself , if its like this two months in, I could only imagine what it would be like 2 years in. I couldn't. I just could not understand why , if you have a job , you don't have any money ? What could you possibly be spending your cash on? It causes me to think that you have other things going on that prevent you from properly managing your finances. Also , in 2 months why am I suddenly your go-to-guy? All I knew was that this was a responsibility that I did not want. I do understand that we all have our hard times,however , If you have hard times, there is no reason you should be out clubbing . I also believe, that as a man, you should be a provider and I was not seeing the potential to provide for me. So , I split .
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