Being Good is Bad?

I had the craziest Friday of my life . As usual I met a guy . I went to happy hour and got a little too happy. He was not my usual but he did meet the height requirement . He introduced himself to me and my friend and we laughed when told us his name . Needless to say, his name was suggestive of a drug dealer's nick name or a porn star. I immediately asked for identification as I do not call people by nickname. I think it is because I have so many . Anyway he was offended because I asked for ID and I asked if he was a drug dealer . He was offended ,as he should've been. He asked if I was asking because he was black. I said no as I know of black and white drug dealers alike and with your suggestive name , I had to ask . We talked and flirted. He Bought a round of drinks and gave me his card.  I gave him my number and then I went to another bar where my friend promotes.  I was a little drunk but somehow I made it to the place.  At that point my phone rang . It was the guy asking if he could join me at the next spot . I said ok.  I gave him the address as I was talking to my friend . Of course I was late as usual. I was able to catch up with my friends and they drove me home. It was great seeing them . I get home and my phone rings. It's the guy asking me where I was.  I said home. It then dawned on me that I was not supposed to leave . I had a chuckle and apologized whole heartedly . When I drink , my only concern is getting home. In that moment I sobered up and I then I told him I was starving and he could meet me at the diner in my neighborhood. He did. We ate and talked and it was cool. Little did he know less than a week ago I was there with a guy . Granted it was my friend but  The waitress however did recognize me and gave me the side eye . We went to his car and we listened to music. He was shocked that I knew most classic reggae songs . He leaned in to kiss me.  It was good . We kissed and touched . The right amount of tongue and such.  I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, my attraction to him , the fact that it had been a while or a combination , but I was turned all the way on. He kissed my neck. I wanted to give it to him right then and there but I'm just not about that life . Some would say I'm corny others may say I'm boring others may say I'm a woman of virtue . Honestly it's because I don't want any diseases. I don't know that  guy. Though I was  a little too friendly , he still was a stranger.  He drove me home and offered to walk me to the door . I declined . I would've been setting myself up to get screwed. I told him I'd call him to set something up. he said ok.  I called a day later . He didn't respond. He then text me the next day saying that what happened should not have . He insisted that I was a good girl and he was sparing me. He went on and on as if I was trying to be his girl tomorrow .  My thought is  we got drunk, We kissed -relax.  Not that serious .He then stated that he did better with smart asses and I would only be hurt.  Now I took his word for it because he probably is right. He would know better than I do . I learned a long time ago that when a man tells you something , you should listen. This instance is no different. What did bother me was that he implied being a good girl was a negative . In addition obviously what you have been trying is not working because you are single (allegedly ) . So I guess sometimes being good is bad.  Madness .

Waiting In Vain II

We exchanged numbers and I waited for his call. We talked from time to time and text but he would not tell me where he worked and then I discovered he had two kids with 2 different women. I do not know why I even continued to entertain him. I’m lying, yes I do. He was GEORGEOUS!  Yes I’m superficial at times.  I didn’t see him again until a month after I met him at reggae night.  He always had something to do. Something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

  Whenever I had an issue or concern, he would somehow make it my fault.  In between the month that I spoke to him over the phone, I erased his number.  He on 3 occasions said he was going to do something and did not do it.  I mentioned it yet he found a way to make it my fault. He went on to say that a lot of women who are successful and have everything can’t find a man because they give up too easy.  I don’t know what his intention was in saying that was but, whether or not he knew it, that hurt. No seriously, I have been cursed out by a guy I was dating before, but that probably was one of the most hurtful things a man that I wanted to date ever said. I would and did not ever admit it to him, but I feel like he made it his business to hurt my feelings purposefully.  

  That was the issue with him, if he was late, didn’t show up, or didn’t call somehow he expected me to just “deal” with it.   It was always my issue or my fault for feeling in a way.  He always would assume I was lying or up to everything else because I could never remember what I told him.  I don’t remember what I say, I barely remember what I do which is why I write most things down. Not to mention, between working and going to school full time,  being a constant support to my family and friends and paying my bills, who has time to remember where I  was  or where I told you I was last week.  Seriously, grow up. All my free time is spent sleeping.  

Now, the final straw was when I went to his house. I guess that is standard that if I go to a man’s house, I’m supposed to just give it up.  This was I guess our second date. There were so many gaps in our time together that I just don’t remember. We were talking and he showed me pictures one of his children and we were having a good conversation. He then as I was in mid sentence kissed me. At this point, it wasn’t as heart melting but, he still was such a good kisser. We then went into the room and he immediately began to try to undress me.  For some reason, I hesitated. I just thought, there were so many reasons not to do this.  We hadn’t been anywhere in public, he had not one but 2 kids, he was still sketchy about where he worked and really anything. I froze. Now that I think about it that happens more than I would like. He told me that I should leave if I did not want to continue. I then walked out of the room, put my belt back on and got ready to leave. It gets fuzzy here but he did not want me to leave until I calmed down. We talked a little more about what, I did not know but I eventually left.  Needles to say, I never saw him again. When I saw him I thought is this love but I in fact, was wasting time and waiting in vain.

Waiting in Vain Part I

He is now in my phone under the listing “Run, Run”. I should have ran instead of waiting in vain for this one.

I met him at a club. No story ever ends well when you start it with that sentence; yet I do it anyway.  I go to clubs, I meet people, and I expect to find someone normal there. Now when I say club, it’s also bars, lounges etcetera.  I went to a reggae night.  I love all music but I love to dance to reggae music. Something about it just takes over me and my body.  Everyone who knows me is often surprised when they see me dancing to reggae music. Any other time in my life, I’m pretty uncoordinated.  Anyway, I saw him first.  He was standing there, clearly enjoying the music but not dancing with anyone.  In between wining my hips and waist in a suggestive manner (by myself because I don’t like to get too hot and sweaty) I watched him.  I watched him for a while.  

   He was chamomile tea personified. Smooth, relaxing and looks that made your soul feel good. What made me notice him was his hair. It was natural and not quite an afro, but out. It was styled like Bob Marley photos before he grew his full dread locks.   His hair looked like it felt like cashmere and it was beautiful.  His skin was flawless- smooth and almond-like. He looked as if his face never had a blemish nor did he know what they were. He didn’t even look like he ever had any more facial hair aside from the neat 5 o’clock shadow. He was tall and built like a runner and though he did not say a word I knew he was native of the West Indies.    I needed him to talk to me to confirm that he had a sexy accent. As usual, for the night, I was in love. Any woman would be.   

   I finally could not take him standing there looking so sexy and not talking to me. Normally I am seriously shy especially when a man looks that good. So I thought of the most obvious thing to start with. Hello. He said hello and I asked him why he wasn’t dancing. He asked me the same. He was bright, charming and  he had the accent (deep sigh).  We sat and talked. It all seemed lovely at the time. He told me his name and I told him mine.  I began to interrogate him but he shut that down. He began to ask me all the questions. I liked it. He asked me where I worked and then made a joke that he was one of my agencies clients. He said to me that it was clear that I had been with a Jamaican before. I told him no however, I have dated a Guyanese a Trini and…….. that’s where he interrupted me.

He said he did not want to hear about my past as I could possibly be his wife one day and he did not want to hold my past against me. I responded that I did not really do many things that I’m ashamed of. He said that I seemed like a very smart girl and I knew that it would not last yet, I slept with them. I said hmm. In my head, I know he was right. I went on to tell him.  I didn’t always, that’s just how it turned out.  He gave me the side eye and said I should only sleep with my husband.

 

  I really don’t remember much else.  I just remember being intrigued, especially by his comment.  The rest of the conversation was mere background noise because while I was mid-sentence he kissed me. I melted. I remember undressing him with my eyes and if I had a little less self control, I would be on my back in the clubs bathroom- true story.  

We continued to stare one another down; there was something I can only describe as kismet between us that night. He asked me to go home with him. I said no. It was a bad idea and after he told me about holding my past against me, I did not want to start our history this way- just in case.

Stay Tuned ……….

Mind Your Business that’s all …Just Mind Your Business

For the better part of 5 years, my day job involves investigating people.  I investigate their lives, their lies, and their activities. In addition, whenever there is a state or city test, I often score in the 90th percentile and above when it comes to investigative tactics. I live for   “a ha, I caught you in your lies moments”.   The only reason why I am not a police officer is because I’m too spastic to carry a gun. The world is better off with me unarmed.  I’m good at investigating for many reasons. I say it’s because I have had lots of practice, but also it is because I am a woman.  Somehow I have been blessed with the ability to find out the most intricate of details of my other be it significant or not with little to no effort. I also thank social media for that as well.  Normally, I am glad to have this talent as it has saved me heart ache, embarrassment and all the things that come along with being the last to know.  Today, I am not so certain.

So I guess, I made up with one of the many guys I have encountered along the way (who he is not important). Long story short, he was supposed to be going to his parent’s house for the summer which is far away from where I am.  I did not expect him to be home this summer.  For some reason, last week, I felt like he was still in my city. There was no rhyme or reason, but something told me he was here.  Because I did not want to seem like I was "sweating" him I went to his face book page to see what he was up to at home. I missed him, but I did not want him to know.  I'm nosy and I conceal my feelings - so sue me.  I don’t know why but I had a feeling he was still home as well. He has never lied to me to my knowledge but I’m sure that he was here. I go to his page and I see a post about baseball tickets being purchased and a locating tag being my city. I had a conniption to say the least.  Why did he say he was going home for the summer? Why did he come back and not tell me? Did he even leave? Something is not right and I actually do not know what to do.


Normally, I would just call him, curse him out and that would be that.  Done, stick a fork. But when I picked up the phone to call him and call him 1,000 snakes,  liars, and  expose him for the deceitful  person he is  I realized ; I can’t do that. I ACTUALLY like this one and I want to continue getting to know him. He’s undoubtedly crazy but I don’t think he is crazy enough to try to deceive me without some logical explanation. I know I have to keep my mouth shut but its killing me.  To say anything will expose me and to say nothing leaves this uneasy pang in my soul. Now if I was not my snooping self, I would not know that he was back or had never left and I would be in bliss right now. I should have minded my business.

Give it Away ! Wait ...Give it Away?

It was the first week of my freshman year of college . I remember being so excited . I was hoping to finally have a real boyfriend and finally give away my virginity- Not necessarily in that order. I figured because I was already 18 and was one of the last of my friends to give it up , I didn't see an issue with finding the first cute guy to lose it to . I mean , I learned and had the whole "wait till I'm married"  idea but truth be told ,  I did not see  getting married as an option for a long time.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and if it was even hype at all.

  I was curious .I was dying to know why my friends were cutting school , flunking , lying and scheming just to have sex. I wanted to know why women would lose their minds , their money and themselves  .  I was often told I didn't know what I was missing but I knew I was missing something . I was on the sidelines  while a big event was  going on. I knew what but I never felt it . I was determined to find out .


I remember the first party I went to  and I still remember his face. As usual, I was  in love at first sight but way too shy and feeling way too awkward about my  looks to do anything . He was not too tall but he was in the realm of my type at the time . My type was my complexion and lighter and cute . I wasn't very picky back then and could not appreciate a dark skinned man like I can today; I digress.

   He was light skinned with green eyes and wavy hair . He had a wave pattern in his hair that rivaled the ocean . The waves swirled around his head.   As  they say  where I'm from , his waves were spinning . My favorite was the green eyes though. It was rare and  made him that much more appealing. I saw him way before he saw me . I watched him . He looked at me and I smiled nervously and looked away . He came to talk to me and my roommate and I just knew he was interested in  her . Wrong .


He had a slight lisp which was dorky but cute in a way . He introduced himself and my roommate being the amazing person she was/  is  noticed I was interested so she stepped back but kept a watchful eye .  Even one week into the semester,  she had the makings of a BFF. She is my BFF till this day.  Anyway , as I was talking to him, I remember he asked me to describe myself in one word and I being my rebellious self said , "A walking contradiction." He laughed and said, "that's 3 words ." I responded I could not be reduced to  one word . We left the party and talked . As I'm thinking about this I'm  shocked I still remember this when it was almost 10 years ago .   The first night I met him, we sat in Amitie plaza  which was an outdoor sit down area. We talked and kissed a little and it was sweet .

     I thought he was amazing and he made me feel like I was beautiful  which I did not feel at  the time .  We would see one another and spend time together occasionally when we saw one another.  I just knew he would be the one.   One night I  was coming back from a party and i saw him . I remember I was wearing a fuchsia sweater that was button down and some jeans . He walked me back  to my room and  I let him in . We talked about the decorations and my side of the room was pretty much bare .  We started to kiss and somehow we ended up in the laundry room . I was seated on the dryer and my sweater was open . I  was ready to give it away now .  As I was getting ready to take off my bra he stopped . He took a deep breath and said " I can't do this ."

I was confused . I asked him what he meant . He said that he did not "do" relationships as they were too painful. He went on to say that I was a relationship type and he did not want to hurt me . I was dumbfounded but not speechless.  When I quickly came out of my stupor, I told him that relationships did not have to be painful and I could not possibly see how he could or would hurt me . I  told him  I knew I would not hurt him.  He kissed me and walked away. I was upset . I was left wet on the dryer . But what happened next left me devastated . He stopped talking to me .

     I would try to say hello and he'd walk past me as if he never met me. He ignored me as if he didn't tell me about his family , how he missed his deceased his mother and how he remembered how she used to sing to him. He so easily  turned cold when he shared his hopes and his dreams . I could not believe he just disconnected from me. I was  hurt . I didn't cry , but it hurt .  After some time,  I got over it and I didn't understand fully what he was trying to do until years later but I learned that to him I was worth the wait and I should not just give it away . He was a big part of the reason I didn't have sex until years  later . He let me know that I didn't have to just give it away despite my thoughts . I'll always remember him for that .

We spoke the next year of school but he still kept me at arms length . In hindsight, I believe that he knew what he was capable of and he did not want to involve a innocent looking sweet girl like me (at least at that time ) in his sophomoric shenanigans and sexual conquests . He knew he'd only mess me up and he did not want to hurt me . He ignored me so that I would forget about him  .  I did for a while especially when he left in the middle of  sophomore  year. But every now and again , I still think about him .

I wish I knew where he was . I wish this not to rekindle what we had but to thank him because he made me remember something I almost forgot and forget from time to time- my worth. I thought he was the one  but I guess there were other plans in the stars.  He was right relationships can be painful . For someone who feels like they have not loved greatly , I have experienced a lot of pain . I guess he was trying to diminish the amount I experienced . Though he stopped talking to me , I  still really see him in a positive light.   Maybe it would not be that way had  we continued.  I only hope that wherever he is, he is happy and although I have made a lot of bad choices , I think there would have been way  more if he let me give it away.

I'm not a kid anymore ( Part II )

   The whole night, the “mean one” was being nice to me.  He asked me, how I was doing? How things were going, and if I was enjoying the party?   I was confused, I mean since I got older he has been better but this concern was more than I have ever seen.  I told the mean one that he was mean to me when he was younger but he said one nice thing to me when I was 18 which was that I was going to make it.  He said to me, “You did make it”. I smiled but I did not say thank you.  I walked away. I did not say thank you because I did not feel like I had "made it”. I feel like I am still trying to make it and I am not quite where I need to be yet -Me and my insecurities.

Later on he saw me dancing by myself (which I love to do). He stated the obvious as if it were a question  and he was in  disbelief, “You dancing by yourself?”  I said, “Yea”. He said, “But, there are mad guys here”. I said, “So?” He then asked if I had a boyfriend. I blankly answered no as I continued to two-step in my space.  He asked me if I was talking to someone. I said, "No" again oblivious to what was happening. He then asked how old I was. I told him (but I’m not telling my readers) and he said, “You’re not off limits anymore”. Finally the lights came on and at that moment I finally realized what was happening. Sometimes it takes a minute for my light bulb to go off.  I’m  well educated but oblivious to things like this. I guess it’s from the years of studying and not paying attention to the boys.  He then asked for my number.  Surprise Surprise.

At this point, I was and still am shocked. Until that moment, I thought he was cute I guess.  The girls were all over him but I never looked at him like that .He was one of the popular boys and I was always a nerd when we were younger. Not to mention that when you are 16, a 12 year old is a little girl -especially me at that age. I still think I am that little girl sometimes when I am around certain people.  Guys like that were always my friends not anyone I would or could date-my age or not . Next, he was mean to me when I was younger and mean to everyone else. Why would I think he would ever want to talk to me? It was weird.   Then I thought about the kids show "Hey Arnold” but he was Helga and  I was Arnold.  I laughed.  Also, I never knew that I was off limits in the first place. I have been over 18 and over 21 for several years so what is the off limits thing really about? I must say, this did do wonders for my ego. But it was still crazy.  While this instance raised many questions I simultaneously re-visited some of my insecurities. Most of these I thought were resolved.   Worries of not being pretty enough, fun enough or all around not enough.

 I then looked at him as if I was looking at a new guy. Someone I never met and was looking at him for the first time.  I noticed that I never paid attention to him because he was never my type of guy.  But I also noticed he was very handsome.  Not too tall but still handsome.  Most would probably be afraid but for some reason  as  I looked at him, the cloud of insecurity began to pass. I thought being interested in me is always a good idea because, my friends and family think I’m awesome and I am. I then said, I’m not the same little girl anymore and he would definitely benefit from knowing me as an adult even if nothing materializes.  I gave him my phone number because I want to know the answers to my questions.  All in all this was mind boggling, but   he saw something I often forget- no role or reputation is permanent and in this case, I’m not a kid anymore.  Stay tuned

I'm not a Kid Anymore (Part I)

  It was my birthday weekend and I went to a party.  I was invited by my ex-fantasy crush that has always been nice to me even when I wasn’t one of the cool kids.   He is from what I know of him a great person funny etc etc. I have no interest in dating him seriously but back in my teenage years; I thought about it.  I thought about having a crush on him.   Now he’s like a cousin I don’t see much.

   His best friend who was just overall a mean person to me when I was in my awkward stage was also going to be there as well. I remember the years that I did not have the nice things that I have now or the looks either and he made clear to point out whatever he saw. I let it roll over my back because I chalked that up to that’s just how some are and I didn’t think anything of it.  When I think back, if it wasn't me I would think it was funny.   I can’t remember what he said to me specifically but I remember how I used to feel inside. 

I remember telling my friend about them while I was on my way to the party and she stated that the mean one probably liked me. I laughed and said that’s just not possible. She looked at me sideways and stated,”We'll see when you get there". I too gave her the side eye and said whatever. 

 I quickly put my friend’s sentiments out of my mind as we made our way to the party. We caught up on missed time and when I got to the party I saw old friends from high school and Jr. High and elementary school.  It was fun catching up on current events and laughing and reminiscing on old ones. Anyway, at the party there was a very tall and handsome guy who I really wanted to talk to.  Honestly I’m not even sure he was that cute because I love a tall man.  I sigh when I write this as he was just dreamy in every sense of the word. We talked a little. He said he had a job and was raising his son himself- admirable.  He then was called away by someone who was at the party. I wasn’t fazed but I really wanted to talk to him.  He was polite and laughed at my jokes but I could tell he just didn’t want to get too close to me.  Now in hindsight I realized that maybe he wasn’t interested -but someone else was.

Look for part two to find out who was.

Fountain of Greed

 I went out a few weekends ago to a party. I went late as usual because you are always on –time when its party time.  Ok that was corny. That night I changed twice. Anyway, I had no intention of seeing anyone I was interested in because it was not my crowd.  Wrong !  After threatening a guy for inappropriately touching my posterior  with a charge or being assaulted, I moved from where I was to find more room. While standing  there I saw a beautiful guy . He was tall, not overly dressed, chocolate- colored and built.  As usual , my eyes received cavities from  the fine specimen I saw before me. I stared and said hi. He said hi and kept walking with his friends. I was by myself dancing as I love to do and then he came to dance with me. We danced and he was asking me about myself. I heard him but all I could muster up was. You are very handsome.  He then looked at me and said thank you and smiled. I saw his teeth. They were so nice and clean.  I then said you have nice teeth too. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or just my attraction to him but I was in awe and it was apparent.  We talked and I found out that we had similar heritages but different countries. We then exchanged what our parents said about people from other countries. We had a good laugh and then my ride was leaving so I had to go. We exchanged numbers and then I left.    

I called the next day because when I want something, I don’t waste time.  So we spoke. So our first conversation was good until he asked me to tell him about myself.  He said that I seemed like the “I wanna get married type”. I paused and said to myself yea. I guess I have the “I wanna get married “aura and he was able to pick it up. I told him that I did but I don’t want to get married tomorrow and I don’t want to get married for the sake of saying that I am married.  He said he understood however, he was looking to have fun.  I asked if he just got out of something.  He said that to be honest he was kind of still in something.  I told him that I was not built for the side life. At that point the conversation was over. 

 Though I considered it for a second, I know I am not built to be second.  I mean I could have done more to explore his situation and make a more informed decision however; he approached me knowing he was in a situation.   If  I knew I could handle being second . I would have gone for it becaue he was beautiful . So I’m not mad at him, I actually understand but what he did was just greedy.