I left the city for a week however, before I left, I had lunch with one of my friends that I consider my brother. I bought my first pair of Christian Louboutin shoes. He laughed and stated he was glad that his girlfriend was not into that stuff. I told him that I would give this all up if I had someone worth giving it up for.
I then went away . I went to see my brother and his family. His family consists of his wife and 2 adorable children. I went with my parents who have been married for over 40 years. So we all went to visit the simple life. Slower paced but amazing none the less. I sat back and watched my brother with his wife and my parents . What both couples had in common that I saw is a solid friendship and respect for one another. It wasn't about my brother or my father buying my sis-in-law and my mother expensive clothing or shoes-it was something far stronger and less tangible.
I watched as I helped to take care of my nieces, and watched their grand parents and their parents care for them and how wonderful this is. I think about how I would throw away my shoe collection, various expensive hairstyles and go back to giving myself my own manicure and pedicure if it meant I could have a family. I mean my family is great , but i mean a family of my own . I would like a hand picked partner and a family and life that we built together. I think about washing dishes , cleaning and cooking all with a smile on my face because I executed this plan for myself. I am somewhat uneasy when I say I would not mind being a stay at home mother. I'm not saying that there is something wrong with that. BUT I am saying, I went to school for all these years and I'm pursuing a professional degree . I know in my heart that i would drop it all for a family. The older I get, The stronger this feeling gets.
I have an affair in my mind on my life . In the affair, I am the domestic princess. Staying home , running a daycare from my house so I could watch the kids . I cheat on my single and loving it life. But I guess everyone is entitled to their fantasies . So in my mind I will have my family affair.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Excuse Me? Do I know you (water )
So , I think back a lot of the time, this time I want to take you back to my last post. Excess baggage , I was hoping for the life of me that I would enter into this juncture with minimal interaction with the baggage. I knew that there was a possibility that it would come up . However, I figured if i needed to interact with any of them , it would be for a long time as ; we are just talking. Well , I cant remember when but , I got a message from HER ( Horror Face ). I know what everyone is thinking. What did she say? Why was she messaging you? In all honesty, I saw it coming so, I really did not get ignorant . Though I really wanted to.
I received a message from her stating that he was trying to stay with her. Now , the funny thing is , it really did not matter to me as to whether or not it was true . What mattered was. WHO are you , and WHY do you think it is ok to speak to me . Furthermore, if hes trying to stay with you , great . Why do you have to speak to me. I don't know you .
I say all of this to say. I would like to know why when a woman is in a relationship , or in this case was in one, why do we as women feel the need to contact the new or other woman. As if the new woman came along for the sole purpose to mess up your game. Mess up whatever you had going. Operational word though is "Had" . What is it? You don't want the man , but there is just something about you hearing him be with someone else that takes a hold of you and makes you feel the need to interject in making someone upset or miserable because you decided you did not like the toy and now that you see someone else with it , you are upset.
At this point for me, this drama , is way more than I think I can handle. This is very all my children-esque and I leave the soap operas for the television screen. I don't do well with confrontation and drama and I just don't like to talk to strangers .
I received a message from her stating that he was trying to stay with her. Now , the funny thing is , it really did not matter to me as to whether or not it was true . What mattered was. WHO are you , and WHY do you think it is ok to speak to me . Furthermore, if hes trying to stay with you , great . Why do you have to speak to me. I don't know you .
I say all of this to say. I would like to know why when a woman is in a relationship , or in this case was in one, why do we as women feel the need to contact the new or other woman. As if the new woman came along for the sole purpose to mess up your game. Mess up whatever you had going. Operational word though is "Had" . What is it? You don't want the man , but there is just something about you hearing him be with someone else that takes a hold of you and makes you feel the need to interject in making someone upset or miserable because you decided you did not like the toy and now that you see someone else with it , you are upset.
At this point for me, this drama , is way more than I think I can handle. This is very all my children-esque and I leave the soap operas for the television screen. I don't do well with confrontation and drama and I just don't like to talk to strangers .
Friday, August 12, 2011
Hard of Hearing
I spent the better part of 6 years chasing him . Ladies and gentlemen 2 years into the chase . I knew I was in love. This was it . He had a good family . one of my best friends were related to him and lastly I was sexually attracted to him though I wasn't even having sex yet at the time .
The only problem was that he did not" like me like that " he said I wasn't his type . for some reason I never got that . I never understood what he meant . Now its not that I'm dense it was just that my plan for him was way more important than anything he was telling me . I just knew we would be together .
we played cat and mouse for years . it was on off . I hate you , you hate me. I love you , you hate me . I love you , you like me . this was how it was . I didn't understand how if he hated me so much and wasn't into me . Why the back and forth . Why the let's try . Why even bother with me at all . But at the end of the day . He knew he had me where he wanted me . I was defenseless against his experience and his power over me. He knew me .
I thought things would change with time and they did. The thing is . Things got worse . We yelled , we screamed , we dated other people in between all throughout he said the same things I refused to hear . I wasn't his type .
had I listened . I could have spared myself a lot of heartache tears , years and pain had I just listened . I could have found someone who could appreciate who I was . But at that time when I was focused on a goal , there was nothing anyone could do . I couldn't hear anything but success. Unfortunately that was my epic fail .
The only problem was that he did not" like me like that " he said I wasn't his type . for some reason I never got that . I never understood what he meant . Now its not that I'm dense it was just that my plan for him was way more important than anything he was telling me . I just knew we would be together .
we played cat and mouse for years . it was on off . I hate you , you hate me. I love you , you hate me . I love you , you like me . this was how it was . I didn't understand how if he hated me so much and wasn't into me . Why the back and forth . Why the let's try . Why even bother with me at all . But at the end of the day . He knew he had me where he wanted me . I was defenseless against his experience and his power over me. He knew me .
I thought things would change with time and they did. The thing is . Things got worse . We yelled , we screamed , we dated other people in between all throughout he said the same things I refused to hear . I wasn't his type .
had I listened . I could have spared myself a lot of heartache tears , years and pain had I just listened . I could have found someone who could appreciate who I was . But at that time when I was focused on a goal , there was nothing anyone could do . I couldn't hear anything but success. Unfortunately that was my epic fail .
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Lies on Fire ( Water)
Lies . I just don't like lies . But I can't lie. I lie . So why do I hate to be lied to ? Well the answer to that is since I actually was able to uncover a lie one guy told ,that has burned a indelible mark in my head. Suddenly, anytime something doesn't go my way , I think my other (significant or not) is lying . I am forever burned by these lies .
So in my mind I think You know , you really aren't working late or; you aren't strapped for cash . Or, u are strapped for cash because u really are taking other women out . Or you are married ,or you fathered a child while I was away at school . Above all, I think my other is just lying to me for the sake of lying .
Now, some of those things have actually happened to me . Others, I've only heard about BUT the issue that remains is that. I always think someone I am dating is out to lie to me . Out to use me and its so hard for me to let go and trust .
When you are so used to being lied to , the truth is like a unicorn . A mythical magical thing that you have heard of yet, you are not sure of its' existence. When you are so used to being lied to , you begin lying as the truth means nothing. You begin lying to that person and yourself .You become bound with the significant other you know you don't love and don't trust. You bound yourself in the lie so much so , that you tell yourself this is good and its going to work . Hence,the lies continue. The lies run rampant as you both pour gas in the form of lies on the rapidly spreading fire . In case you don't know - It burns .
When we stop lying to ourselves and others, there will be no need to be worried about the lies others tell because you will see it . At that point ,you will deal with it accordingly. Unless of course you have a major mental health issue . In that case ,take your medicine regularly . To the rest, stay away from the fire spread by lies.
So in my mind I think You know , you really aren't working late or; you aren't strapped for cash . Or, u are strapped for cash because u really are taking other women out . Or you are married ,or you fathered a child while I was away at school . Above all, I think my other is just lying to me for the sake of lying .
Now, some of those things have actually happened to me . Others, I've only heard about BUT the issue that remains is that. I always think someone I am dating is out to lie to me . Out to use me and its so hard for me to let go and trust .
When you are so used to being lied to , the truth is like a unicorn . A mythical magical thing that you have heard of yet, you are not sure of its' existence. When you are so used to being lied to , you begin lying as the truth means nothing. You begin lying to that person and yourself .You become bound with the significant other you know you don't love and don't trust. You bound yourself in the lie so much so , that you tell yourself this is good and its going to work . Hence,the lies continue. The lies run rampant as you both pour gas in the form of lies on the rapidly spreading fire . In case you don't know - It burns .
When we stop lying to ourselves and others, there will be no need to be worried about the lies others tell because you will see it . At that point ,you will deal with it accordingly. Unless of course you have a major mental health issue . In that case ,take your medicine regularly . To the rest, stay away from the fire spread by lies.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Excess Baggage (Water)
I always said I hated dating a man who has kids. Now of course, I'm knocking on 30's door , so I figure , its about time the "no Kids" rule may put me in quite a position. In all honesty, It seems every time I turn around people are having kids , so why should I expect any less from those who are in the dating scene? I have talked to a few guys with children, however at the end of the day, whenever these men would speak about their children , i felt as though my heart would miss a few beats, my chest would get tight and I would gasp for air. Not to mention baby momma ;I may have a MI ( heart attack). This all changed when I met him.
I don't know for the life of me why , I find myself talking to a guy with not one but TWO kids and though it is new, I'm not bothered. I wonder about this. I wonder if it is because I really like him, or is it because I have been through so much, I'm willing to settle. I also ask is it because I know where it always ends up anyway, so I might as well get my kicks in and bounce. LOL! I consider these things when I am alone in my room writing. A part of me hopes that It doesn't work out so that I don't have to meet his kids. A part of me wonders what would happen if it did . What would my friends and family say if I was a step- mommy or playing that role? What would I say as this was never something I even considered .
Some of you may wonder why I said the mention of baby mother is something that may cause me to have a heart attack. Well, to be candid. Us women are just as territorial as men. I watch my friends that do have children who are female and the power they have over their children's fathers. I watch as the "baby momma's" make unreasonable demands, exert their power thereby making them watch the children when they want them to , and threaten these men with not seeing their children. The mere thought of it brings me anxiety.
I hope that my fears are just that and I will be able to work this out. I have considered some things but I don't know what is going to happen. Perhaps that is the beauty of life, It's not what you consider, it is what it is.
I don't know for the life of me why , I find myself talking to a guy with not one but TWO kids and though it is new, I'm not bothered. I wonder about this. I wonder if it is because I really like him, or is it because I have been through so much, I'm willing to settle. I also ask is it because I know where it always ends up anyway, so I might as well get my kicks in and bounce. LOL! I consider these things when I am alone in my room writing. A part of me hopes that It doesn't work out so that I don't have to meet his kids. A part of me wonders what would happen if it did . What would my friends and family say if I was a step- mommy or playing that role? What would I say as this was never something I even considered .
Some of you may wonder why I said the mention of baby mother is something that may cause me to have a heart attack. Well, to be candid. Us women are just as territorial as men. I watch my friends that do have children who are female and the power they have over their children's fathers. I watch as the "baby momma's" make unreasonable demands, exert their power thereby making them watch the children when they want them to , and threaten these men with not seeing their children. The mere thought of it brings me anxiety.
I hope that my fears are just that and I will be able to work this out. I have considered some things but I don't know what is going to happen. Perhaps that is the beauty of life, It's not what you consider, it is what it is.
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