Fiyah

He Loves Me, I Love Him Not


This weekend was one for the books.  On Saturday... I killed my fish.  Everyone was like, "Get over it... it's a fish." But, I loved him.  He had a personality... maybe a "fishality".  Whatever it was, I loved my lil blue betta.  I have only had him for about a month!  On Saturday morning, I decided that his little tank needed a good scrubbing.  I clean his tank once a week, but I bought him shrimp as a treat and it clouds, and can contaminate, the water if left uneaten.  So, I put him in his little dish and cleaned the crap (literally) out of his bowl.  Once cleansed, I filled it with fresh water and put in his conditioner to make the living conditions suitable.  I went upstairs and took a nice shower. On the way back down, one of my exes called me.  While talking to him, I sat on my couch and took a glance at my fish.  He was laying at the bottom of the tank, which wasn't really unusual, because that's how he sleeps.  What caught me off guard it that he usually sleeps amongst his plastic foliage, and he was out in the open.  I tapped the glass and he didn't wake up, so I shook the tank...  His fins and body were pale and white.  I SCREAMED!  Johnnnyyyyy!!!  I started to bawl, all while my ex was on the line telling me what a "effing child" I was being, so I hung up.  I literally had an emotional breakdown.   Luckily my brother was there to give Johnny a toilet bowl burial and remove his tank from my room.  "The water was too warm," he whispered.  I lost it, I cooked John Waters, Jr.  My favorite little new friend died from my own wrongdoing.

I got mixed reviews.  My grandparents and brother really felt sorry for me, they knew I was really in love with my JJ.  My ex called me later that evening, however and told me how I was acting like a six-year-old.  He told me it wasn't even a real pet.  I was upset.  I didn't care if he didn't care about my Johnny boy, Johnny was something precious to me.  A little life that God made; a life that I thought I could take outside of those Petco walls and provide a wonderful habitat. As usual, Phoenix (ironic that his name is a mythical creature who's symbolism stands for such power) was a complete insensitive jerk.  He even went on to tell me that the reason why we are in love is because of his brutal honestly. He loves me... I love him not.  I completely understood, and continue to understand, why we could never be together.  Yes, Johnny was a fish... but he meant something to me.  I explained to Phoenix that it wasn't his job to understand why I had a meltdown over lil John Waters, Jr.but it was indeed his job to console.  I mean, if we are so-called "in love", shouldn't you be my shoulder to cry on?

In every relationship I have been in, I have learned so much.  Phoenix taught me that just because you have a painted picture of a good relationship in your head, doesn't mean you'll ever get it.  He taught me that sometimes people DO NOT change, no matter how cliched that sounds.  He taught me that he couldn't be my rock for the "small" things, like the death of my fish, or the bigger things, like my ultimate goal of obtaining a PhD.  He still loves me, I love him not.

(Water) Side Line vs. Main Line

Today I was thinking about my past . In a very general way though, despite my many depths and intellectual complexities , men are always in the equation.  I remember him. Tall dark and handsome ; well maybe not so handsome BUT handsome enough . His front two teeth were chipped . They looked as though someone carved out a jagged equal lateral  triangle out of them . He was sweet, we spoke daily and he treated me like a lady . Took me to dinner and movies. Made me laugh and smile . Not to mention he had an accent . I love a man with an accent . I'm sure I've mentioned that before . Anyway , I was in heaven because until that point he was all things amazing in my mind .

UNTIL.............
I got the rudest wake up call. I went to see him and I stayed over. Now , I really should've seen the signs but I  was new to the elements of dating however , I was still an adult. His phone kept ringing . I told him to answer it. He didn't . Boy oh boy . Looking back , if he had nothing to hide he would have answered , but we were laying down and getting ready to go to sleep . The next morning , we got up and he made me breakfast . it was good too- The breakfast . Then a movie was on television . He kept going downstairs and I was none the wiser . If I'm fed and I am in front of the TV , nothing else exists. Then  he went downstairs one last time and I heard a large boom. Then I heard voices at first not distinct . Then I heard ..."you are in here cheating on my friend " .

I looked down at myself in confusion . I thought , " he's not cheating on me , I'm right here . " I can be simple at times. My mind finally caught on when I heard a woman utter my name , age, and for me to come out. I was shocked . I was Confused . I was ANGRY . How could he do this? One thing about water is once water feels crossed , there is no mending that relationship and I just don't roll with self serving liars. Things happen sometimes . If you have to lie , lie for the greater good, but his lies were just selfish. That is definitely a no no in my book .

    So after I heard my name , I came out . I was not the one with something to hide . I saw her yelling , screaming and reaching up the stairs into his attic apartment past my alleged boyfriend to get to me . She immediately came looking for a fight . When she saw me younger and thinner  than her . I saw the rage and desperation in her eyes . She said , "I'm not leaving him " I said I didn't know and I was sorry.  She wasn't leaving, but I sure was. Her friend and her were calling me all types of sluts and whores . She proceeded to call him her fiancé and stated she was pregnant . I was mortified but for kicks I looked at her hands ...there was no ring . I   just wanted to go home . I had no thought in my mind that I would be with him . I didn't want to talk to him .I didn't want to see him. I was disgusted . I thought that was why he had to buy condoms . He didn't have any because THEY didn't use them. I thought , were there others ? He could have something . What if the condom didn't work and I contracted something ?  YUCK.

I thought about her. Why did she project her  anger on me. How could she know about me and I knew nothing about her? Why was she so ready to fight me? How could she look at me in his home and still say,  " I'm not leaving" .. He was no NBA player , fortune 500 company owner or even fly . Moreover ,  I didn't cheat on you ....he did . But sadly,  in the 5 years on earth she had on me , she hadn't learned what I knew.  No one has an obligation to you but the person you are with and if he did it once in  such a disrespectful manner, and you allow it , he will do it again . He not only cheated physically . He cheated emotionally . Which is worse in my book . Whether I knew or not ...which in this case I didn't. He was the one that decided it was ok to cheat . Not me .

   It  took a long time for me to trust again after that . Sometimes , I still don't .  Who am I kidding, I dont all the time. I do laugh because that situation was something out of a daytime TV soap opera . At the same time it still hurts that I was used in that manner and when I thought I was his main line , in all actuality , I was really just the side line .

(Water)Jones for Your Bones

I don't know why the name Jones  is associated with so many things.   For example take the term Jonesing (Jones-ing)  that is,   going into another zone another level or the highest level. When talking to that new person on the phone and nothing and no one matters around because you are with that special someone, you are Jonesing.  Keeping up with the Jones'- meaning, the epitome of wealth, fashion, entertainment and cutting edge.    Having a Jones in your bones- meaning feeling to your very core for someone it can be great love or lust.  Lastly, I’m Jonesing for your bones.   This is my own term.  To me this means the zone where nothing matters because you want that man to the very core of you.  It does not matter how, when, or  where .  You must have this person and the usual set-backs and hang –ups are irrelevant. The Jonesing  zone meets, wanting to jump a person’s bones.

You know, he’s that very mysterious, really tall, extremely sexy, or just looks like he knows how to give you what you want- and you want it. So how do you proceed? What do you have to do to get a round with the one you've been Jonesing for?  Well if I honestly knew, would I be single?   I'm actually feeling that and have been through that.  I’m going through that. The first Jones for someone’s bones I experienced was a few years ago. He was tall dark and handsome type. He would model from time to time, and he had these piercing eyes and an accent (I love an accent and it does not matter from where). So when we finally did the do, I was done. It was TERRIBLE. I think my expectations were too high BUT what can you do? I did like any other self respecting person and did it again just to make sure.( HA).  It was better but still ....not so good.  

I'm now experiencing this again with this hot a** guy at my job. I have sat and imagined everything and anything that 2 people could possibly do together. I wonder if it will end up like the last persons bones I was Jonesing for. Will this Jones just be a fantasy? Or will it be a reality?  I guessing I’ll be Jonesing for his bones until then. 

Fiyah

Great Balls of Fiyah

Hey my lovlies!  So, I've been MIA (lo siento).  I've been so busy with work and trying to find a new job that I have neglected spilling my beans on our blog.  Well, what have you missed?  I'm still a mess.  October has made himself utterly available to me since the introduction of another man in my life.  Don't use that as an ok for you because sometimes that doesn't work.  Now, let me clarify; I didn't start talking to another guy to make October jealous, I'm simply ready to open up my heart to love.  I'm as ready for love as our homegirl India Aire was before she chopped the locks.  So, my weekends are spent watching Lions eating Zebras NatGeo or Deadly Women killers on ID with October.  We head out to local grubberies and have yummy foods.  We laugh.  We talk.  We enjoy each other's company.  We're taking it slowwww, which is something truly unheard of for me. I'm not used to being someone's friend first before taking the next step to a relationship. 

It's crazy. October spent the night on Sat, and as he slumbered on Sunday morn, I received a bbm from my match date "Rico": a penis pic with the words "Missing You" under it.  Gross, I know... but I'm kinda freaky anyway so I liked it.  I'm in a "like" triangle.  This is the second week in a row that I communicate with Match while October is sleeping beside me.  I feel like a dude, but then again, I'm not in a relationship, so I am allowed to do what I want, right?  So, why does it feel so wrong? Some would say, "Damn Fiyah, you got Balls to talk to a dude while the next one is spooning you."  But, why does it feel like I am a castrated bull??!!??  Ugh, I need help.

(Water) Don't Look Back

 

Remember that Greek myth where Orpheus loses his love Eurydice?   Long story short, she dies and of course, goes to Hades.  Because Orpheus  pleads his case , Hades tells  Orpheus  that he promises to give Eurydice back as long as he leaves the underworld with her following behind . All he has to do is not look back. Can he do it? Of course not. How could anyone do anything but look back?  On the memories, thought’s or -on a love? How could you trust that what you think you have gotten over is really behind you; unless you look back?

I remembered this story when I spoke to him yesterday. Not anyone I was in a relationship with but definitely someone I was interested in. Long story short we were cool but we lost touch. I do remember the night he tried to kiss me. He was having one of his usual pre -game parties at his house.  You know, beer pong, wine and music low enough in the background that you can enjoy, but not dance to. We were in his room and He was showing me pictures of his family and parents.  As I'm writing this, I really should have seen it coming. I was young and oblivious to what we call, "the signs”. He never closed the door when I went to his room before. He grabbed my hand and I pulled away and walked out. Trust me; I give myself a “Boooooo” every time I think about it. Now I did like him, BUT it took him almost a year to make a move. I kind of lost interest. I also was upset that all he could come up with was trying to kiss me. “Boo” and “hiss”. I thought, “No movie, no dinner at the dining hall?   Damn, is that all you got?”  But at 20, yah, that is all he probably had. I think back on it a lot. Just as the waves move back and forth on a sandy beach. Thinking, should I look back? What would have happened if we kissed that night?  What would have happened if we had kissed at all? Would I be this excited every time I hear about him or speak to him?  Who knows?

 I think back on what would have been.   I do not think I am alone.   For some of us, no matter what, we can't help but look back.   I think we do it   just to check that we are really getting what we asked for so we can live on.  I guess Hades knew that and that is why he outsmarted   Orpheus.  The story ends with Orpheus dying thereby getting to be with his love……. Would his life ended this way if he did not look back.  Is his death a lesson in why you would not look back?  Or, why  we should?