Fiyah

He Loves Me, I Love Him Not


This weekend was one for the books.  On Saturday... I killed my fish.  Everyone was like, "Get over it... it's a fish." But, I loved him.  He had a personality... maybe a "fishality".  Whatever it was, I loved my lil blue betta.  I have only had him for about a month!  On Saturday morning, I decided that his little tank needed a good scrubbing.  I clean his tank once a week, but I bought him shrimp as a treat and it clouds, and can contaminate, the water if left uneaten.  So, I put him in his little dish and cleaned the crap (literally) out of his bowl.  Once cleansed, I filled it with fresh water and put in his conditioner to make the living conditions suitable.  I went upstairs and took a nice shower. On the way back down, one of my exes called me.  While talking to him, I sat on my couch and took a glance at my fish.  He was laying at the bottom of the tank, which wasn't really unusual, because that's how he sleeps.  What caught me off guard it that he usually sleeps amongst his plastic foliage, and he was out in the open.  I tapped the glass and he didn't wake up, so I shook the tank...  His fins and body were pale and white.  I SCREAMED!  Johnnnyyyyy!!!  I started to bawl, all while my ex was on the line telling me what a "effing child" I was being, so I hung up.  I literally had an emotional breakdown.   Luckily my brother was there to give Johnny a toilet bowl burial and remove his tank from my room.  "The water was too warm," he whispered.  I lost it, I cooked John Waters, Jr.  My favorite little new friend died from my own wrongdoing.

I got mixed reviews.  My grandparents and brother really felt sorry for me, they knew I was really in love with my JJ.  My ex called me later that evening, however and told me how I was acting like a six-year-old.  He told me it wasn't even a real pet.  I was upset.  I didn't care if he didn't care about my Johnny boy, Johnny was something precious to me.  A little life that God made; a life that I thought I could take outside of those Petco walls and provide a wonderful habitat. As usual, Phoenix (ironic that his name is a mythical creature who's symbolism stands for such power) was a complete insensitive jerk.  He even went on to tell me that the reason why we are in love is because of his brutal honestly. He loves me... I love him not.  I completely understood, and continue to understand, why we could never be together.  Yes, Johnny was a fish... but he meant something to me.  I explained to Phoenix that it wasn't his job to understand why I had a meltdown over lil John Waters, Jr.but it was indeed his job to console.  I mean, if we are so-called "in love", shouldn't you be my shoulder to cry on?

In every relationship I have been in, I have learned so much.  Phoenix taught me that just because you have a painted picture of a good relationship in your head, doesn't mean you'll ever get it.  He taught me that sometimes people DO NOT change, no matter how cliched that sounds.  He taught me that he couldn't be my rock for the "small" things, like the death of my fish, or the bigger things, like my ultimate goal of obtaining a PhD.  He still loves me, I love him not.