Work it or work it

Do you ever feel like you are at odds with your love life and your work life? Do you find that sometimes you have to choose?  Somhow you have to decide  whether or not to work it in the bedroom or work it in the board room . I have always heard that there was a balance that you had to find between the two. To be honest, I don’tknow and I have never known how to find that balance.   Usually if I had to choose between work and or school versus a guy I will always choose my job and school.  Is that so horrible?  

This takes me back to a guy I used to do homework with the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I remember, we did more talking than studying. This happened so much so, I got a D on one of my tests in one ofmy classes. I remember being horrified at this fact and telling myself I needed to stay away from this guy because I will flunk out and do poorly and have nothing.  Of course this was extreme.  When I look back , of course there were other things I could have done  but the anxiety of flunking anything and my 19 year old emotional immaturity would not let me figure it out.

As for people who work long hours and have to be away from their families, how do you do it? I have no clue how to do this .I have found this in my behavior as I find myself dating more when school is not in session and when things are stressful at work I withdraw from dating or seeing anyone. These are the times that I go missing or find any excuse not to take anyone seriously.  

I know that one day and one day soon I hope , I will have to give up being in the elements so I’m not the old chick in the club. When/if this happens, I have to figure this balance. What do you suggest? Does anyone else have this struggle ? Let me know 

Leftovers

How do you feel about leftovers? Some people cant stand them, some people think its better the next day . Others think that it depends on what it is. Now, when we talk about men  how do we feel about left overs ? Would you date someone to take them off of someone's hands? Would it matter who it was ? I am currently in that predicament.

After telling a friend of mine about a guy who I was interested in and basically it not happening for many reasons, she suggested I talk to a guy she knew.  She told me he was tall, bald and light skinned with light eyes. I mean im not really into that look, however she said he was a really good guy. She went on to tell me that she used to talk to him in the past however, it did not work out. She went on to share some intamate details about him that she has heard.

She said he was really nice however, he was not  her type. She went on to say that he needs a good girl and he is a good guy. It made me uncomfortable.  She insisted there was nothing between them and there was never anything in between them that mattered to her. She assured me that it did not matter to her. I  could not shake the fact that he had once been connected to my friend in one shape or form.

For me , I am very territorial . Any man who  I have talked to, dated, had their number, been my boyfriend or has had any interest in me at all could not talk to one of my girlfriends without me ending my friendship. Its that simple for me. I guess it is because there are very few guys I have played with so I guess that is why. How about you? Would you pass over your extras on one of your freinds?  If someone wanted to give you their left overs , would you take it? Let me know.

Play By Play : Interception ,Fumble ,Tackle

I forgot all about this one until yesterday when I had a good laugh about it. In honor of the start of football season (and my allegiance to the Jets by association )  I decided to share this one. Have you ever intentionally  or unintentionally tried to lose at something?  On this night I did. 

It was Super bowl Sunday.  Now I will not say which one. I went to a super bowl party at one of my friend’s houses. Despite the fact that I really don't care for any sport , I know the rules and love watching the multi million dollar commercials.  After a few drinks (hmmm no story ends well when that's the start) on the way home I decided I wanted  some physical overtime .  I called my flavor of the month .  He picked up and I could not hear him.  Because he is a serious football fan , I knew he would be at a bar or at a party.  Now because I was drinking, I can admit now , I called him excessively . When I want something and I'm under the influence , I get a tunnel vision that numbs my senses and vision to anything else but the win.   In this instance, it was him. I called one last time. He did not answer. Whoever or whatever had won and I decided that it was time to forfeit, I did not want to play this game - or at least I thought.

Just when I changed my clothes and got ready for bed and closed my eyes,  There was an interception!

 I got a text from his phone.  The text said, "Leave my boyfriend alone you whore ".   Did you gasp? I did.    Why ? Why ? Why?  Why was someone playing on the phone?  I had been blind sighted  and tackled emotionally. I didn’t know there would be another team in this game.  I was extremely angry but I said to myself, what if it's someone playing with me?  But  what if he really has a girlfriend?  He was going to be cursed out as I do not do that. In hindsight he told me he was seeing other people but denied being serious with anyone.  All types of thoughts went through my mind I was tempted to go to his house. I was going to beat him up.    I was so upset that he created a situation where someone called me a whore because of him.   In that moment , I had a moment of clarity . Who was I kidding, he was too big and tall to let me hit him. I would’ve gotten beat up.  Not to mention , I’m not in the habit of hitting people.  In any event I did not go. , I remembered that I had work the next day and I have a pretty good job.  

 I was not going to throw away my career for a guy and from the looks of it , the random alleged girlfriend would have attacked me . Needless to say, My money inspires me to be a better human being. 

So what did I do? Now of course I responded.  I had to.  I was going to stay home but I couldn't let that ride especially because I was drunk.  One thing I absolutely hate is being called a whore or slut or any name along those lines. I work very hard and try to be as moral as possible in order to avoid being called these things however some girl (it's never a man ) feels the need to call me one of these names when their man or someone they like is dealing with me.  How interesting is that? Women often oppress one another with misogynistic terms even sometimes more so than men. I digress -back to the story. 

So I told the girl or whoever was texting me  that I'm not a whore and  they did not know me. The girl told me she was in the picture now and I should back off. I laughed and said it wasn't that serious and she could have him. I then said she should ask her man why I don't know about her.  I’m sure that fixed her because she said nothing else . He then gets on the phone of course and says sorry and the girl was hating. I was so livid. I’m sure I was red .  How dare he just say that. It was such a empty response . Really ?  "Sorry. She’s hating ? " I can laugh now but I was burning up. Was that supposed to make me feel better? I proceeded to let him have it. I proceeded to tell him to grow up and if he wasn’t interested and had someone, that's all he had to say. I was so upset so there were some obscenities in there but that was the gist of it.   He said nothing after I gave him the verbal thrashing, and we did not speak again. Sometimes you got to drop the ball and let the other team have it. 

Now I ask, What would you have done? Would you respond to the girl? Was there a girl at all?  Was it him playing?  I know the answer , was this girl actually his girlfriend?  Hmmmm.  Let me know? Would you have continued after that in order to win one for the team?

Hey Mr. DJ

 This story was told to my by a friend of mine who read the blog and wanted to share:
Wrote about it like to hear it, Well here it goes-

   She met Mr. DJ at a block party. Though she was with another guy and his job was to rock the party, she appeared to be rocking his interest.   He was cute

At first everything was great; he bought flowers, took her to dinner and did all the right things when courting a woman.  He was sweet, caring and fun. Initially he would always ask her to come to his jobs but the only thing was that she had to let him know before she came.   I mean this sounds innocent enough however; it never usually is with these stories.  Why did she have to let him know?  Was it so she could receive preferential treatment or was it to keep tabs on her as well as his other women?

One week he invited her to his house for the following weekend  and offered to make her dinner. She thought that since he was being so nice to her and was very sweet, she would finally go to one of his parties and surprise him- What a nice thing to do.  

Now because she was not so skilled, she could not spin the surprise without asking a bunch of questions pertaining to where he would be working, how long, and the times he was scheduled to work.  Because she asked so many questions as us women often do, he became suspicious and told her if she were coming, she was to let him know. He insisted and it almost became an argument.  Right then and there  I think she should have known that  Mr. DJ was probably working more than his turntables and vinyl records . That’s what I thought. What do you think?  

Here is the answer. So she grabbed her girls , got her freakum dress on and went to go party with her girls and surprise her new boo.  When she got there, she went to speak to the bouncer and stated her name and she was the girlfriend of the DJ for the night and she was surprising him. The bouncer went in and then came out with a puzzled face. He said that the DJ claimed that he did not know her. I only imagine what I would have done. As brave as she was insisted that it was the right place and was somehow able to get the bouncer to let her in.  

When she got in, she saw him and was given a table right by the DJ booth. She saw other girls on the other side of the booth at the table. She thought that they were the average hating bum bitches.  You know the ones who have to throw shade at another female just because.    Well as the night progressed and  he rocked the party , she walked around bored as he was not her type of  DJ.  She went to the upper level of the club to stand and people watch. At that moment one of the random haters ran toward her crying.  The girl revealed that she was married to Mr. DJ and they had two small children together.   The hater was the DJ's wife.  My friend spent the whole night consoling her and never spoke to Mr. DJ again.  

What would you have done?  Would you be able to console the wife of the cheating snake of a DJ? Could you ever trust again?  Let me know.    

Zip it

Though I have been working on it and I believe I have been doing much better than I had in the past 5 years the problem remains - my mouth.  I can be maddening and  extremely hurtful. Allow me to go through a few things I have said to men:

" You are a cheap immitation of a human being"
" Did you really think you could do better than me, dont give yourself that much credit"
" Oh , I  was supposed to be impressed, thats cute. "
" Your mother should have swallowed you"

Im sure I have said worse however,  thats all I can  think of on the top of my head.  Needless to say, I do curse but I dont need to to crush egos, hearts, and feelings.  I'm pretty mild mannered otherwise but when it comes to being upset by a man who I am getting to know or dating, I tend to go below the belt.  I never knew where it stemmed from until I  had a conversation with one of my girlfriends.  I did not know it at the time , but I was in a emotionally abusive relationship  and since then, I do my best to let a guy know you will not talk to me any type of way at any moment .  I think I spoke about him before  but im not sure. 

No matter what I did , It was never good enough . It started off with me not being his type.  Despite this, he would always call me text me and get upset if I didnt want to see him.  He would then make comments about what I would wear. He loved to say that I couldn't dress.  The next thing was my body.   My butt was too small, I was too big. When I did lose weight partially  because of him, the new comment was , "Well you're not Beyonce" , Since  I did not know what to say to him back then , when he said those things and his actions proved otherwise, I just said nothing. Now that I look back on it , that guy was crazy  but I attract that( apparently you know this if you have been reading) . 

After him, I couldn't and would not allow anyone to make me feel the least bit slighted without going overborard. I would attack a mans insecurities , crush their  dreams when the did something as small as not calling me when they said they would .  Perhaps I am/ was crazy. Perhaps I was  getting revenge  because I cannot get revenge on that person.   To be honest , the perhaps does not matter. What matters most is I am learning that this is not the way to live life or to treat people. I used to feel good when I would "let them have it" but now it does not feel good. I dont like making people feel like I used to feel. Every now and again I have problems  with curbing my mouth but I have learned to communicate my frustration in that moment and not  bringing my old baggage into new vacations.   I am learning to zip it.  Does any of this resonate with any of you ?

Flaws and All

 I really feel like a bad person for thinking the way I think when it comes to this guy. I can’t change it but that’s how I feel.

  Well in my online dating exploration, I met a guy. He was cool and I loved talking to him over the phone. He was younger and still lived at home so, I decided against being serious about him. In addition to this he seemed  unintelligent.  He was/ is a really sweet guy and he seemed to genuinely be interested in me. Thing is that I don’t respect you intellectually, I can’t be with you.  Not to mention, living at home without a stable career was not the best move for me.  Because he was cool and funny, I remained in contact with him. He would want me to see him but I wouldn’t go.  I did not want to.  One because he still could’ve been crazy strange and deranged. The other was I knew I was exactly what he was looking for but he wasn’t what I was looking for. I also was concerned he did not want to remain friends with me and he was buying his time until I got lonely, desperate etc. 

After a year, we finally met.  I knew he was overweight but he was really big.  I couldnt believe it.  I even feel bad for writing this but he was. He was bigger than I could even imagine as he tricked me with far away and face only pictures.Strike.     He was sloppily dressed.Strike. His clothes were super baggy, his sneakers were super old and he had chest hair coming out of his shirt. Chest hair equals yuck in my book. As I write this I see my ticket to hell appearing – shame on me for being shallow.


  I said to myself just go on the date or whatever and see how it goes. I mean why not.  We went to the cheapest restaurant I could think of. I could eat a good meal for $20. Anyway, I told myself I would not let him pay as he seemed like the type that spent lots of money on girls. I cannot be bought –but if I like you, I will let you spend money on me. Call it what you want but, that’s how I roll.  Moving right along, I had a good time with him as he was cool.  The issue was I had a good time like I have with my friends- the girls.  He was touching my hand and I felt nothing. In fact, I wanted him to not touch me. It was not yucky, it was just awkward.   I let him touch my hand because I felt like It wouldn’t kill me and he was cool to talk to. He ate ribs- I don’t eat pork. Strike .  He said he was on a diet- we were at a barbeque place.Strike.  There were minor inconsistencies that did not add up and more things I could not dismiss. He has diabetes, sleep apnea, asthma and high blood pressure. I’m sure they were all related to his obesity. I’m not a size four, but when your weight affects your health and impedes your ability to breathe – I can’t. Did I mention he’s younger than me?  Scary.  I dont even know why I continued the night.

After we ate, I paid the bill and we walked. I know I am going to sound wrong but, this was my effort in getting him to exercise.    In addition to this, I walked him to the train station so he could go home.  As we continued to talk, he disclosed that he lost 100 pounds by getting the lap band. He was under 25 at the time. I congratulated him however, I thought to myself, how are you so young and need this thing, why are you still eating ribs, and why aren’t you working out? Now I did not ask him these questions however, I did get the information I needed from him. He just wasn’t- no reason and he did not seem the least bit interested in changing his habits.  In any event just not for me.   I feel like a bad person because he is really nice and I had too many judgments. In any event I just didn’t like him like that -flaws and all.  What would you have done?

Equal opportunity dating?

I would like to consider myself an equal opportunity dater. You know, basically if you  are my preference , I really don't care what your race is.  I've dated black, white, Indian, Chinese - cute is cute.
Every now and again, when I meet someone new , or I discuss this with people for the first time , I get shock, surprise and more often than I would like, disdain.  

Recently , when I was seeing the guy from " Nobody's sleeping in your bed", I remember being forced into saying I was going on a date.  I was then asked who the guy was. Then  I was asked where the guy was from .  I answered .. " What do you mean"? I often ask this when people ask because , I am first generation American so when I'm asked where I'm from, I say my borough , my state, or my family's country of origin ( depending on how I feel) .  The person then clarified. I explained that the guy was Turkish and she asked if he was white. I said  yea nonchalantly as she looked on in horror. She  said , she did not expect this from me as I was a positive, educated "sister" .  I wasnt offended but I did hear, you know your roots, why do you date outside of your race?   She then asked if I couldn't find a black man. I thought , I could but ,  this was the person who I was dating and race was never really an issue for me and I wasnt raised to look at color. She said she understood but, she seemed to not be too keen on the idea. 

I then remember a conversation I had years before with a black man I was talking to at the time.  One day we got into a heated discussion where he told me  that black women had too much mouth and that is why black men date outside of their race. I  said to  him , unfazed , "You can date all the non-black women you'd like because just like I can date a black man , I easily can date a white one as well." Needless to say,  I shut him up.  I do have a lot of mouth, however, I was not insulted by his comments.

 If black men can have jungle fever, platanos and collard greens ,  and whatever interracial love, Why can't I? Why do I have to be mad at black men for doing it ? Truth is I dont.

 I do not feel like I MUST marry , date, or talk to only black men. I date men-all types  . What their race is  means nothing to me as long as you aren't a jerk. I get a lot of questions and a lot of " I couldn't do that " from lots of my friends .  Many say to me, "Why ?"  I say, "Why not?" I see beauty in all of  Gods creations.  Though I grew up in the city and  I have dated mostly black men,   I date whoever I want- why close the selection pool?  My only pre-requisite is a man with a good job education . Color is not required.

It still is crazy to me that in this day and age and in this country color is still an issue. Some people say that its not , but it is. Because whenever I go on a date, and I'm telling my friends,some give  a sigh of relief when I am dating my own kind. I for one do  not care who I end up with, I just hope they can love and respect me and my family . I also hope  his family can respect and love me. I feel like if you have that , everything else is moot. What do you think?