Just one of those things

See, sometimes we do things that we know we have no business doing. I wasdoing something I have no business doing  on and off for the a year. I was about 2 years ago. I guess I shouldn’t have been doing it but ,  sometimes seizing the day means being self indulgent even if  it reaps self destruction . I was chasing after something that could not be.  Am I done chasing? Yes.  I have written about him in various posts however, I think that’s why I liked him. He kept me entertained, he kept me interested and he kept me guessing.

The first time I met him, I knew that either this was going to be amazing, or it was going to be a disaster.  He reminded me of one of my favorite  situations  but cooler , more savy and crazier.  I also knew that I had never felt that spark so quickly.  He made me feel like the main character in the adjustment bureau the first night I met him, I knew nothing would be the same again. During our situation, I felt like Mary J.  “Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good..." you know the rest.  And today I take it back to  Mariah Carey's " Cant let Go" . Even though I try, I can’t let go.   Art is life - point blank period.

Initially I wondered why he was so fun and charming when I met him. I was intoxicated by the fact that he was not intimidated by me. He was curious. He asked all the questions and I loved that he was interested in me.  He was sour cream and onion chips personified and as my brother says "Bitches love sour cream and onion". He tried to spare me by telling me that I freaked him out but I would just say grow up.  

I never saw him much, but whenever we did see one another, we had a good time. Sometimes there was sex, sometimes there was not, but I was always happy to be in his presence.  He made me feel like a kid again. Maybe not a kid but definitely reminded me that I was still young and it was okay to have fun, live freely without rules, without  living up to what others expect of you , and  to be comfortable.   He made me feel great to be me and comfortable.  Never in my short life have I met any man I was interested romantically who did this for me.

 Though he took me to my highest heights, the lows were just that.  I’m good for throwing  men in the garbage for this but I don’t know.   He would ignore my texts, calls and never truly did anything to make me feel like I was someone that could be his. It is hard to say but it is true.  All we ever did was hang out at his house.  I didn’t really ask , but he never offered to take me out.   I knew I liked him but I was never sure if I wanted to be anything more that what we were.  I just knew I liked having him in my life.  Just having someone I could talk to and just be with that did not make demands on me was worth it. 



The other night, I was feeling a little frisky and so I called him. (Sue me, Everyone is entitled to hoe moments.)   He didn’t answer. I thought he was mad at me because I told him off the week prior so I text him.  He then said to me that he wanted to be honest with me and he wanted me to know that he was not looking for anything serious and all he wanted was sexual favors. At that moment, that was all I wanted too. I was mad that he was saying these things to me not because I was upset , but in that moment, he was killing my vibe .   Now this was not his usual and we never discussed this since our last blow out.  I said to him that I wanted to know why. He said that he knew he would not marry me.  I was freaked out because all I wanted was sex. I know this is bad but it was true.  I was reading what he was saying  through goggles of lust.  Nothing else mattered in that moment.  I did tell him that I wanted him never to lie to me.  He agreed but there are no guarantees.    
So I went to see him. He was himself as usual however; he did not want to kiss me like he once had. He didn’t hold me like he used to but still was hilarious as ever.  When I woke up the next morning, I realized that this should be the last time we meet. I woke him up to say goodbye but I did not touch him.  Normally he will ask if he would see me again or if I’d call him- He did not. Normally I would kiss him – I didn’t. . The haze of the night was over, our lust lenses dispersed with the coming of the sun. I think we both knew it should end there.   

I wonder about his claim about the sparks. I wonder if he in fact did not feel them. I sincerely doubt it.  How could he smile and look at me like that, deal with my antics rants and raves, hold me, sleep cuddled with me and all and all made me feel again. Maybe it was all a game, maybe it wasn’t but I know that for some reason we will never be anything other than what we were.   Stay tuned. Hopefully there will be no more posts of me going back to him. He was just one of those things.

Have you ever dealt with someone who  you  know should be left alone?   How did you handle it?
What did you think I should do?

Only one at a Time

             Sooooooo .. I decided to be back,  It's been a while. Not that I haven't been dating in the 10 months since my last post. However,  I  needed time away from it.  I think that I didn't need the blog so much anymore. I think ...... Or maybe I just needed some time away .  I   am going to try and be better . Don't get mad at me yall .

       With that said, I will get on with it.  I met him in January . He was  6'5" a divorcee  from out of state. He had all the things that I was looking for. He had a career, a car , and a house . He also told me I was beautiful. He  would pick me up, drop me off and he wasn't afraid to come to visit me because of my neighborhood. I was crazy about him. 
    
    I was so crazy about him I gave him some on the second date. That is probably a record for me. I never give it up. I use my vagina on average about twice a year! Charlottes web aint got nothing on me :-) .   In any event, being with him  physically or not  was always a great time.  Everything was  wonderful, he  was a gentleman in public and an animal behind closed doors. I thought I was falling in love.

  I didn't notice it  because at the time, I was working  full time, going to school full time and interning. Lets just say a good day was 5-6 hours sleep was a rare treat for me. There were times I did not remember what  he said or conversations we had.  I felt bad but it was true.  At first he would complain about it , then he used it to his advantage. He would twist events and make me out to be the bad one in any disagreement we had.  Because I was concentrating on getting an advanced degree , If I remembered to put on underwear I was lucky . He was lucky that my memory was not at 100 percent .
  
       The last straw was when he said he told me he was going to Vegas. He left and didn't call me the entire time he was there. I was not  expecting a  call every day but at least a  hey , or  I'm here.  That was all I wanted .  Not a call every day . Not to mention he was there playing poker  and it was Vegas.   I saw Casino-  I was scared for him.  When he came back he made it seem like I was crowding him. Like I had time for that .   He then compared me to his ex-wife  and his brother who he said were not upset with him and assumed he was having fun.  I guess I cared too much . Wait. There's more.

  There was also the joke ... (or so I thought it was a joke)  about  me getting a friend for us to share. Initially I didn't take him serious especially because I'm, not about that life and that's nothing I would ever want to try. I'm not saying its wrong or right, I'm just saying its not for me.  He even offered to get a stripper if I wasn't comfortable with a friend.  I told him no.  He laughed it off .    Every time I was out with friends or I showed him a picture with me and friends , he would joke( or so I thought ) about which one he wanted.  I finally confronted him about it and even asked if he would mind  if I wanted a guy.  He said he would do it for me.  I was disgusted. He didn't see things my way.  To me the bed was not for three.  I had to say goodbye   I only do one at a time. 

So in this instance , What would you  have done?

Some Questions Need not be Answered

He is married now . I think about him  every now and again.  I  for some reason  cannot speak to him and I have not in years. I feel it would be disrespectful. I remember our last conversation and the DVD  he let me borrow that I never returned. It was college. He  was the boy next door almost literally.  What was funny was that his looks intimidated me as well as the fact that many girls were after him.  The ladies loved him.  As well they should have. He played sports, was tall and knew good music. He always smelled good.  I dont believe he ever wore cologne but somehow the merging of his natural body scent, his lotion and soap made his hugs intoxicating.  Almost 10 years ago, I often forgot about him. I was young and focused on my career. I knew that so many were after him and I had not the first clue on how to compeat. I had home court advantage because he live across the hall, but I was shy, knew nothing of the dating world, and did not want to be hurt. In the midst of this, I also had  someone who I thought I would be with.  I now call that person voldemort. He was the evil I gave my heart to when I could have been with this one.  However, I digress.   Back to this one.  

I remember deciding to tell him and he said that we will see. That answer was not enough for me. I hated that answer. Now that Im older, I wish that  I was a little more patient. I had and still had the problem that I thought that people should feel things at the rate that I do . I took  "We'll see" and turned it into : I getting a lot of action right now and I cant promise you anything so proceed at  your own risk."  At that time, I knew in my heart that I could  not handle the heartbreak or the risk associated with love and relationships. Back then, I knew I was going to be a high powered attorney and love, like, relationships and dating were not a priority. I also knew that I was not ready to have sex as I was a virgin when I met him. I'm sure he probably knew but  I was not about to share that information with anyone willingly. That being said, he found someone else. I really liked him but not enough to deviate from my plans.  The funny thing is , I deviated from them anyway. 

This reminds me of my post Patience is a name not my virtue. I wonder what would have happened if I was patient and let things happen.  There is no way to know. He is happy I think and even if he isn't the time we would have had has past  and I'm okay with that. Some of life's questions will remain as that.   

What would you do if you were living with your "what if's"? Would you continue on, or would you  say something?

Bye Boy

Would you help a person you did not know well but he was down on his luck but you did not know him well?  Well I have a story about it , like to hear it, here it goes

So I met this guy about a month ago actually almost two.  He was dark not too tall but taller than me. Not too fly but his appeal was the fact that he seemed to understand me for who I was and he was and there did not seem to be hiding anything. He was smart, funny, had a job, no kids and his own apartment and was nice to me.  Unfortunately, being nice to me seems to require a lot for the way men are built these days.   But I digress , For once I considered someone I was seeing a man.  

   We talked for like 2 weeks over the phone before we finally met.  Initially I thought “Here we go”.  At this point between my job, my internship and school I really did not have time for shenanigans and the on-goings that I entertained during the summer.  I refused to call him, text him or communicate in any way unless it was initiated by him.  I just wasn’t into it like that in the beginning.  I had so much going on, I just couldn’t.  Also, I needed to see his interest level and whether or not it was worth it. So, he called  he texted, and said the right things. He was funny, he was corny, he was intelligent and I loved every minute of it.  He even would stay up to talk to me while I walked home from the train station.

We went on a few dates and hung out.  Each time was a lot of fun.  He was a very good kisser.  There was even one time I cooked dinner. Yes –I do cook and yes I cooked for a man.  I hadn’t cooked dinner in about 4 years for a man. For once, I felt like I was on a level playing field with someone.   After 4 weeks I really saw some potential and I began to call and text. Things were going well -until.  There’s always an until

I noticed him asking me about my job and we would joke about the benefits that my job afforded me.   He then told me he was updating his resume because he was looking for a new job. I thought it was great as he was being proactive about being unhappy at work. Maybe a week later, he told me that he was getting laid off. I was worried about it but I figured that it was like my job it wasn’t a big deal.  He could find another position within his job or something. I noticed him getting distant however not rude. He then told me that he would have move out of his apartment.   He then text me saying we needed to take a step back as he did not have time.  

Now as I said before, I was working on my mouth, so for once I did not lose my cool. Honestly, I was sleeping I guess because I’m always exhausted sleeping was more important. I told him that this was not the venue to express said feelings and I was taking a nap and I was going back to do this. We did talk eventually and he said he did not have any time for being in a relationship as he did not know where he was going to live and was about to be out of a job. I understood however, he seemed to want to cut all ties when he asked, what if he asked to stay with me for a month? I said I would have to think about it. I asked him if he wanted me to wait. He said he could not ask that. I haven’t heard from him again.

To me, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. There is so much he is not telling and so much I did not need to know. I wonder if I did the right thing.  All I know is, Bye boy.  

Mr. Green

All about Green 

My next adventure in the online dating scene was A guy who seemed to have it somewhat together . Though I could tell he had a rough childhood , he seemed a little aggressive but still nice . We talked, shared a few laughs via e-mail and I decided he could have my number . 

He said he was a wall street guy . That seemed interesting to me as all he talked was money  green all day . I have never worked in the for profit world so it seemed interesting . Things started to go awry when I asked him what he did for fun . He proceeded to tell me that all he did was smoke weed and play video games .  Really !? Initially I thought he was playing but he insisted he was not and because I had a taste for having hobbies and going somewhere and doing something , he insisted that was a negative . He was all about money green , the green marijuana and his green (and black)Xbox . And I then got green in the face -sick .

I already decided that he was in the garbage when he decided to send me a special message that further solidified that he was crazy . He sent me a picture of his member .  He continued to make me sickly . I told him that I was not about that life and fortunately   , he has left me alone.  

Shhhhhh! Shut it !

Perhaps You Have Said Too Much

Because I am running out of stories and I am slowly getting bored , I decided to try my hand at online dating . I started speaking to one guy and I wasn't that attracted to him from what I saw but he seemed nice . I decided I wanted to hear his voice so I gave him my phone number . We talked on the phone and he asked me why I was single . I told him I meet crazy guys . I mentioned the guy from  computer love and one other previous posting . He then spoke about girls trying to use him for money   , girls not being too interested and his last relationship . He went on and on about how they lived together , why they broke up and how silly he thought it was.  He went on and on and on and even mentioned their sex life . Truth be told, I didn't want to hear all of that . It made me pity him and also think he was effeminate . He then went on to tell me he lived at home , he had friends that he was smarter than and brought up his views on gay marriage .  How would you feel if the first phone conversation you had with a guy was like this ? I mean I listen , I'm good at it but when you are telling me about how dumb your friends are , I'm not sure I really want to be in your circle as you can choose your friends. So if your friends are so bad, why do you continue to have them in your life ?  I'm  thinking he needs a therapist so I told him. 

I then told him he wasn't for me . He proceeded to get whiny and ask why ? His exact words were "why don't you like me ?".  What would you have answered ? I chose not to answer . My thoughts were ,  I just met you and you're asking questions that even I would not ask at this point in my life . 

He told this stranger a lot . I think people should think about what they disclose to people in the beginning . Perhaps he said too much . Wouldn't you agree ? 

Crush the way ...I like it !

Do you remember being young and having a crush? You feel weak in the knees. Your eyes, your heart and face light up when you think about this person. You can't speak when they’re around. You faint internally when that person speaks to you. I live for this feeling. I live to tell a close friend that I saw the current crush today. I live for the butterflies, light flirting and the hope.

Honestly, I feel like every week I have a new crush. I do. Something happens to me. I see someone, they become my crush and I either pursue it or I just let it linger. When I let it linger is the fun part. I talk to the person crack jokes maybe just say a faint hi. It feels great just to have a crush. I think it's the excitement of the secrecy. My private world and imagination run wild when I'm crushing on someone. Some of my best writing pieces were written when I had a crush.

When I pursue a crush the fun starts to dwindle, it loses excitement and the person many times loses luster. I get to know them and I get bored. I get disappointed. Lastly they often become a blog story to entertain my friends and my readers. Crushes for me often end tragically and the magic I once felt is incinerated by reality of what the person is and not what I hoped they would be. So sadly I'm a crush whore. Crushing because sometimes the things I imagined are so much better than what these people turn out to be . How do you feel about crushes?

Work it or work it

Do you ever feel like you are at odds with your love life and your work life? Do you find that sometimes you have to choose?  Somhow you have to decide  whether or not to work it in the bedroom or work it in the board room . I have always heard that there was a balance that you had to find between the two. To be honest, I don’tknow and I have never known how to find that balance.   Usually if I had to choose between work and or school versus a guy I will always choose my job and school.  Is that so horrible?  

This takes me back to a guy I used to do homework with the beginning of my sophomore year of college. I remember, we did more talking than studying. This happened so much so, I got a D on one of my tests in one ofmy classes. I remember being horrified at this fact and telling myself I needed to stay away from this guy because I will flunk out and do poorly and have nothing.  Of course this was extreme.  When I look back , of course there were other things I could have done  but the anxiety of flunking anything and my 19 year old emotional immaturity would not let me figure it out.

As for people who work long hours and have to be away from their families, how do you do it? I have no clue how to do this .I have found this in my behavior as I find myself dating more when school is not in session and when things are stressful at work I withdraw from dating or seeing anyone. These are the times that I go missing or find any excuse not to take anyone seriously.  

I know that one day and one day soon I hope , I will have to give up being in the elements so I’m not the old chick in the club. When/if this happens, I have to figure this balance. What do you suggest? Does anyone else have this struggle ? Let me know 

Leftovers

How do you feel about leftovers? Some people cant stand them, some people think its better the next day . Others think that it depends on what it is. Now, when we talk about men  how do we feel about left overs ? Would you date someone to take them off of someone's hands? Would it matter who it was ? I am currently in that predicament.

After telling a friend of mine about a guy who I was interested in and basically it not happening for many reasons, she suggested I talk to a guy she knew.  She told me he was tall, bald and light skinned with light eyes. I mean im not really into that look, however she said he was a really good guy. She went on to tell me that she used to talk to him in the past however, it did not work out. She went on to share some intamate details about him that she has heard.

She said he was really nice however, he was not  her type. She went on to say that he needs a good girl and he is a good guy. It made me uncomfortable.  She insisted there was nothing between them and there was never anything in between them that mattered to her. She assured me that it did not matter to her. I  could not shake the fact that he had once been connected to my friend in one shape or form.

For me , I am very territorial . Any man who  I have talked to, dated, had their number, been my boyfriend or has had any interest in me at all could not talk to one of my girlfriends without me ending my friendship. Its that simple for me. I guess it is because there are very few guys I have played with so I guess that is why. How about you? Would you pass over your extras on one of your freinds?  If someone wanted to give you their left overs , would you take it? Let me know.

Play By Play : Interception ,Fumble ,Tackle

I forgot all about this one until yesterday when I had a good laugh about it. In honor of the start of football season (and my allegiance to the Jets by association )  I decided to share this one. Have you ever intentionally  or unintentionally tried to lose at something?  On this night I did. 

It was Super bowl Sunday.  Now I will not say which one. I went to a super bowl party at one of my friend’s houses. Despite the fact that I really don't care for any sport , I know the rules and love watching the multi million dollar commercials.  After a few drinks (hmmm no story ends well when that's the start) on the way home I decided I wanted  some physical overtime .  I called my flavor of the month .  He picked up and I could not hear him.  Because he is a serious football fan , I knew he would be at a bar or at a party.  Now because I was drinking, I can admit now , I called him excessively . When I want something and I'm under the influence , I get a tunnel vision that numbs my senses and vision to anything else but the win.   In this instance, it was him. I called one last time. He did not answer. Whoever or whatever had won and I decided that it was time to forfeit, I did not want to play this game - or at least I thought.

Just when I changed my clothes and got ready for bed and closed my eyes,  There was an interception!

 I got a text from his phone.  The text said, "Leave my boyfriend alone you whore ".   Did you gasp? I did.    Why ? Why ? Why?  Why was someone playing on the phone?  I had been blind sighted  and tackled emotionally. I didn’t know there would be another team in this game.  I was extremely angry but I said to myself, what if it's someone playing with me?  But  what if he really has a girlfriend?  He was going to be cursed out as I do not do that. In hindsight he told me he was seeing other people but denied being serious with anyone.  All types of thoughts went through my mind I was tempted to go to his house. I was going to beat him up.    I was so upset that he created a situation where someone called me a whore because of him.   In that moment , I had a moment of clarity . Who was I kidding, he was too big and tall to let me hit him. I would’ve gotten beat up.  Not to mention , I’m not in the habit of hitting people.  In any event I did not go. , I remembered that I had work the next day and I have a pretty good job.  

 I was not going to throw away my career for a guy and from the looks of it , the random alleged girlfriend would have attacked me . Needless to say, My money inspires me to be a better human being. 

So what did I do? Now of course I responded.  I had to.  I was going to stay home but I couldn't let that ride especially because I was drunk.  One thing I absolutely hate is being called a whore or slut or any name along those lines. I work very hard and try to be as moral as possible in order to avoid being called these things however some girl (it's never a man ) feels the need to call me one of these names when their man or someone they like is dealing with me.  How interesting is that? Women often oppress one another with misogynistic terms even sometimes more so than men. I digress -back to the story. 

So I told the girl or whoever was texting me  that I'm not a whore and  they did not know me. The girl told me she was in the picture now and I should back off. I laughed and said it wasn't that serious and she could have him. I then said she should ask her man why I don't know about her.  I’m sure that fixed her because she said nothing else . He then gets on the phone of course and says sorry and the girl was hating. I was so livid. I’m sure I was red .  How dare he just say that. It was such a empty response . Really ?  "Sorry. She’s hating ? " I can laugh now but I was burning up. Was that supposed to make me feel better? I proceeded to let him have it. I proceeded to tell him to grow up and if he wasn’t interested and had someone, that's all he had to say. I was so upset so there were some obscenities in there but that was the gist of it.   He said nothing after I gave him the verbal thrashing, and we did not speak again. Sometimes you got to drop the ball and let the other team have it. 

Now I ask, What would you have done? Would you respond to the girl? Was there a girl at all?  Was it him playing?  I know the answer , was this girl actually his girlfriend?  Hmmmm.  Let me know? Would you have continued after that in order to win one for the team?

Hey Mr. DJ

 This story was told to my by a friend of mine who read the blog and wanted to share:
Wrote about it like to hear it, Well here it goes-

   She met Mr. DJ at a block party. Though she was with another guy and his job was to rock the party, she appeared to be rocking his interest.   He was cute

At first everything was great; he bought flowers, took her to dinner and did all the right things when courting a woman.  He was sweet, caring and fun. Initially he would always ask her to come to his jobs but the only thing was that she had to let him know before she came.   I mean this sounds innocent enough however; it never usually is with these stories.  Why did she have to let him know?  Was it so she could receive preferential treatment or was it to keep tabs on her as well as his other women?

One week he invited her to his house for the following weekend  and offered to make her dinner. She thought that since he was being so nice to her and was very sweet, she would finally go to one of his parties and surprise him- What a nice thing to do.  

Now because she was not so skilled, she could not spin the surprise without asking a bunch of questions pertaining to where he would be working, how long, and the times he was scheduled to work.  Because she asked so many questions as us women often do, he became suspicious and told her if she were coming, she was to let him know. He insisted and it almost became an argument.  Right then and there  I think she should have known that  Mr. DJ was probably working more than his turntables and vinyl records . That’s what I thought. What do you think?  

Here is the answer. So she grabbed her girls , got her freakum dress on and went to go party with her girls and surprise her new boo.  When she got there, she went to speak to the bouncer and stated her name and she was the girlfriend of the DJ for the night and she was surprising him. The bouncer went in and then came out with a puzzled face. He said that the DJ claimed that he did not know her. I only imagine what I would have done. As brave as she was insisted that it was the right place and was somehow able to get the bouncer to let her in.  

When she got in, she saw him and was given a table right by the DJ booth. She saw other girls on the other side of the booth at the table. She thought that they were the average hating bum bitches.  You know the ones who have to throw shade at another female just because.    Well as the night progressed and  he rocked the party , she walked around bored as he was not her type of  DJ.  She went to the upper level of the club to stand and people watch. At that moment one of the random haters ran toward her crying.  The girl revealed that she was married to Mr. DJ and they had two small children together.   The hater was the DJ's wife.  My friend spent the whole night consoling her and never spoke to Mr. DJ again.  

What would you have done?  Would you be able to console the wife of the cheating snake of a DJ? Could you ever trust again?  Let me know.    

Zip it

Though I have been working on it and I believe I have been doing much better than I had in the past 5 years the problem remains - my mouth.  I can be maddening and  extremely hurtful. Allow me to go through a few things I have said to men:

" You are a cheap immitation of a human being"
" Did you really think you could do better than me, dont give yourself that much credit"
" Oh , I  was supposed to be impressed, thats cute. "
" Your mother should have swallowed you"

Im sure I have said worse however,  thats all I can  think of on the top of my head.  Needless to say, I do curse but I dont need to to crush egos, hearts, and feelings.  I'm pretty mild mannered otherwise but when it comes to being upset by a man who I am getting to know or dating, I tend to go below the belt.  I never knew where it stemmed from until I  had a conversation with one of my girlfriends.  I did not know it at the time , but I was in a emotionally abusive relationship  and since then, I do my best to let a guy know you will not talk to me any type of way at any moment .  I think I spoke about him before  but im not sure. 

No matter what I did , It was never good enough . It started off with me not being his type.  Despite this, he would always call me text me and get upset if I didnt want to see him.  He would then make comments about what I would wear. He loved to say that I couldn't dress.  The next thing was my body.   My butt was too small, I was too big. When I did lose weight partially  because of him, the new comment was , "Well you're not Beyonce" , Since  I did not know what to say to him back then , when he said those things and his actions proved otherwise, I just said nothing. Now that I look back on it , that guy was crazy  but I attract that( apparently you know this if you have been reading) . 

After him, I couldn't and would not allow anyone to make me feel the least bit slighted without going overborard. I would attack a mans insecurities , crush their  dreams when the did something as small as not calling me when they said they would .  Perhaps I am/ was crazy. Perhaps I was  getting revenge  because I cannot get revenge on that person.   To be honest , the perhaps does not matter. What matters most is I am learning that this is not the way to live life or to treat people. I used to feel good when I would "let them have it" but now it does not feel good. I dont like making people feel like I used to feel. Every now and again I have problems  with curbing my mouth but I have learned to communicate my frustration in that moment and not  bringing my old baggage into new vacations.   I am learning to zip it.  Does any of this resonate with any of you ?

Flaws and All

 I really feel like a bad person for thinking the way I think when it comes to this guy. I can’t change it but that’s how I feel.

  Well in my online dating exploration, I met a guy. He was cool and I loved talking to him over the phone. He was younger and still lived at home so, I decided against being serious about him. In addition to this he seemed  unintelligent.  He was/ is a really sweet guy and he seemed to genuinely be interested in me. Thing is that I don’t respect you intellectually, I can’t be with you.  Not to mention, living at home without a stable career was not the best move for me.  Because he was cool and funny, I remained in contact with him. He would want me to see him but I wouldn’t go.  I did not want to.  One because he still could’ve been crazy strange and deranged. The other was I knew I was exactly what he was looking for but he wasn’t what I was looking for. I also was concerned he did not want to remain friends with me and he was buying his time until I got lonely, desperate etc. 

After a year, we finally met.  I knew he was overweight but he was really big.  I couldnt believe it.  I even feel bad for writing this but he was. He was bigger than I could even imagine as he tricked me with far away and face only pictures.Strike.     He was sloppily dressed.Strike. His clothes were super baggy, his sneakers were super old and he had chest hair coming out of his shirt. Chest hair equals yuck in my book. As I write this I see my ticket to hell appearing – shame on me for being shallow.


  I said to myself just go on the date or whatever and see how it goes. I mean why not.  We went to the cheapest restaurant I could think of. I could eat a good meal for $20. Anyway, I told myself I would not let him pay as he seemed like the type that spent lots of money on girls. I cannot be bought –but if I like you, I will let you spend money on me. Call it what you want but, that’s how I roll.  Moving right along, I had a good time with him as he was cool.  The issue was I had a good time like I have with my friends- the girls.  He was touching my hand and I felt nothing. In fact, I wanted him to not touch me. It was not yucky, it was just awkward.   I let him touch my hand because I felt like It wouldn’t kill me and he was cool to talk to. He ate ribs- I don’t eat pork. Strike .  He said he was on a diet- we were at a barbeque place.Strike.  There were minor inconsistencies that did not add up and more things I could not dismiss. He has diabetes, sleep apnea, asthma and high blood pressure. I’m sure they were all related to his obesity. I’m not a size four, but when your weight affects your health and impedes your ability to breathe – I can’t. Did I mention he’s younger than me?  Scary.  I dont even know why I continued the night.

After we ate, I paid the bill and we walked. I know I am going to sound wrong but, this was my effort in getting him to exercise.    In addition to this, I walked him to the train station so he could go home.  As we continued to talk, he disclosed that he lost 100 pounds by getting the lap band. He was under 25 at the time. I congratulated him however, I thought to myself, how are you so young and need this thing, why are you still eating ribs, and why aren’t you working out? Now I did not ask him these questions however, I did get the information I needed from him. He just wasn’t- no reason and he did not seem the least bit interested in changing his habits.  In any event just not for me.   I feel like a bad person because he is really nice and I had too many judgments. In any event I just didn’t like him like that -flaws and all.  What would you have done?

Equal opportunity dating?

I would like to consider myself an equal opportunity dater. You know, basically if you  are my preference , I really don't care what your race is.  I've dated black, white, Indian, Chinese - cute is cute.
Every now and again, when I meet someone new , or I discuss this with people for the first time , I get shock, surprise and more often than I would like, disdain.  

Recently , when I was seeing the guy from " Nobody's sleeping in your bed", I remember being forced into saying I was going on a date.  I was then asked who the guy was. Then  I was asked where the guy was from .  I answered .. " What do you mean"? I often ask this when people ask because , I am first generation American so when I'm asked where I'm from, I say my borough , my state, or my family's country of origin ( depending on how I feel) .  The person then clarified. I explained that the guy was Turkish and she asked if he was white. I said  yea nonchalantly as she looked on in horror. She  said , she did not expect this from me as I was a positive, educated "sister" .  I wasnt offended but I did hear, you know your roots, why do you date outside of your race?   She then asked if I couldn't find a black man. I thought , I could but ,  this was the person who I was dating and race was never really an issue for me and I wasnt raised to look at color. She said she understood but, she seemed to not be too keen on the idea. 

I then remember a conversation I had years before with a black man I was talking to at the time.  One day we got into a heated discussion where he told me  that black women had too much mouth and that is why black men date outside of their race. I  said to  him , unfazed , "You can date all the non-black women you'd like because just like I can date a black man , I easily can date a white one as well." Needless to say,  I shut him up.  I do have a lot of mouth, however, I was not insulted by his comments.

 If black men can have jungle fever, platanos and collard greens ,  and whatever interracial love, Why can't I? Why do I have to be mad at black men for doing it ? Truth is I dont.

 I do not feel like I MUST marry , date, or talk to only black men. I date men-all types  . What their race is  means nothing to me as long as you aren't a jerk. I get a lot of questions and a lot of " I couldn't do that " from lots of my friends .  Many say to me, "Why ?"  I say, "Why not?" I see beauty in all of  Gods creations.  Though I grew up in the city and  I have dated mostly black men,   I date whoever I want- why close the selection pool?  My only pre-requisite is a man with a good job education . Color is not required.

It still is crazy to me that in this day and age and in this country color is still an issue. Some people say that its not , but it is. Because whenever I go on a date, and I'm telling my friends,some give  a sigh of relief when I am dating my own kind. I for one do  not care who I end up with, I just hope they can love and respect me and my family . I also hope  his family can respect and love me. I feel like if you have that , everything else is moot. What do you think?

A Shot of Emotonal Cool

I think about Frank Ocean's song Novacane. I listen to this song just about every morning. .   In the second  sentence  in the song  he sings , “ I got what I wanted  didn’t I? I can’t feel nothing". I actually put it on as I am writing because of how painfully beautiful the song is. It is so sad that it is too painful to feel especially in romantic relationships.  We go on a hunt to numb the pain but in the end we feel nothing not even pleasure.  One of the many ironies of life.  


Yesterday, I had a conversation with  a group of my girlfriends  from high school  about travel plans. One of my friends seemed out of it. When we asked her what was wrong, she reported that she was catching feelings for someone and she did not like it.   She said to us that she was spending a lot of time with him lately and she did not know what to do with herself.  She spoke about having feelings for another as if it were somehow a death sentence. She did not want to be hurt again and she did not want to have such strong feelings that in the end could cause her to be betrayed and devastated.   Of Course, she did not use those words, but that was the gist of it.  She was also looking desperately to somehow numb her feelings for this guy. Emotional Novocain

When I think about this, I think about my own feelings. Though I have never been in love, I feel like I have felt something like that. I met a guy a long time ago. Although I do not see him or speak to him much, he is the only guy that I have ever truly felt comfortable with.  When we are together, I feel protected and at peace. What I hate about him is that he knows how  I feel about him yet he keeps me at arms length. I wonder if he has this fear as well.  He once said to me that he feels that when you treat girls bad, that’s when they love you and they ignore you when you treat them right. I know I am good for a shenanigan, a game or a lie or two BUT I do truly care about him. My shenanigans and games are used because I am afraid to get close to him and I do stupid things and say stupid things to upset him and to keep him away. I know him and he knows me. He knows that I hate being ignored. I know he hates repeating himself- so sometimes I don’t listen.  I  need to take a vacation from my feelings at times. I go months without talking to him.   I do this because  I wish I did not care for him as I feel I care way more than he does and he is better at masking his emotions than I am.  I wish I was cooler ,  calmer and more collected around him.  Sometimes I pray for a little Novocain  with him.    

I had a professor once who compared relationships to hot mozzarella cheese ( Im serious    but bare with me) . In other words you may pull away, but its really hard to break  it . So people pull away from one another.  People pull away for fear of getting hurt or being too wrapped up. They long for Novocain because the low is not worth the highs of the love drug.    Somehow introducing yourself to feeling nothingness is better than pain.   I have seen Novocain in so many forms.  You date as many as possible, withdraw whenever possible ,  or  ignore feelings.   They intentionally hurt others so that they do not hurt.  The numbing of Novocain seems to be running rampant.    How about you , would you like a shot of emotional Novacain

Being Good is Bad?

I had the craziest Friday of my life . As usual I met a guy . I went to happy hour and got a little too happy. He was not my usual but he did meet the height requirement . He introduced himself to me and my friend and we laughed when told us his name . Needless to say, his name was suggestive of a drug dealer's nick name or a porn star. I immediately asked for identification as I do not call people by nickname. I think it is because I have so many . Anyway he was offended because I asked for ID and I asked if he was a drug dealer . He was offended ,as he should've been. He asked if I was asking because he was black. I said no as I know of black and white drug dealers alike and with your suggestive name , I had to ask . We talked and flirted. He Bought a round of drinks and gave me his card.  I gave him my number and then I went to another bar where my friend promotes.  I was a little drunk but somehow I made it to the place.  At that point my phone rang . It was the guy asking if he could join me at the next spot . I said ok.  I gave him the address as I was talking to my friend . Of course I was late as usual. I was able to catch up with my friends and they drove me home. It was great seeing them . I get home and my phone rings. It's the guy asking me where I was.  I said home. It then dawned on me that I was not supposed to leave . I had a chuckle and apologized whole heartedly . When I drink , my only concern is getting home. In that moment I sobered up and I then I told him I was starving and he could meet me at the diner in my neighborhood. He did. We ate and talked and it was cool. Little did he know less than a week ago I was there with a guy . Granted it was my friend but  The waitress however did recognize me and gave me the side eye . We went to his car and we listened to music. He was shocked that I knew most classic reggae songs . He leaned in to kiss me.  It was good . We kissed and touched . The right amount of tongue and such.  I'm not sure if it was the alcohol, my attraction to him , the fact that it had been a while or a combination , but I was turned all the way on. He kissed my neck. I wanted to give it to him right then and there but I'm just not about that life . Some would say I'm corny others may say I'm boring others may say I'm a woman of virtue . Honestly it's because I don't want any diseases. I don't know that  guy. Though I was  a little too friendly , he still was a stranger.  He drove me home and offered to walk me to the door . I declined . I would've been setting myself up to get screwed. I told him I'd call him to set something up. he said ok.  I called a day later . He didn't respond. He then text me the next day saying that what happened should not have . He insisted that I was a good girl and he was sparing me. He went on and on as if I was trying to be his girl tomorrow .  My thought is  we got drunk, We kissed -relax.  Not that serious .He then stated that he did better with smart asses and I would only be hurt.  Now I took his word for it because he probably is right. He would know better than I do . I learned a long time ago that when a man tells you something , you should listen. This instance is no different. What did bother me was that he implied being a good girl was a negative . In addition obviously what you have been trying is not working because you are single (allegedly ) . So I guess sometimes being good is bad.  Madness .

Waiting In Vain II

We exchanged numbers and I waited for his call. We talked from time to time and text but he would not tell me where he worked and then I discovered he had two kids with 2 different women. I do not know why I even continued to entertain him. I’m lying, yes I do. He was GEORGEOUS!  Yes I’m superficial at times.  I didn’t see him again until a month after I met him at reggae night.  He always had something to do. Something was rotten in the state of Denmark.

  Whenever I had an issue or concern, he would somehow make it my fault.  In between the month that I spoke to him over the phone, I erased his number.  He on 3 occasions said he was going to do something and did not do it.  I mentioned it yet he found a way to make it my fault. He went on to say that a lot of women who are successful and have everything can’t find a man because they give up too easy.  I don’t know what his intention was in saying that was but, whether or not he knew it, that hurt. No seriously, I have been cursed out by a guy I was dating before, but that probably was one of the most hurtful things a man that I wanted to date ever said. I would and did not ever admit it to him, but I feel like he made it his business to hurt my feelings purposefully.  

  That was the issue with him, if he was late, didn’t show up, or didn’t call somehow he expected me to just “deal” with it.   It was always my issue or my fault for feeling in a way.  He always would assume I was lying or up to everything else because I could never remember what I told him.  I don’t remember what I say, I barely remember what I do which is why I write most things down. Not to mention, between working and going to school full time,  being a constant support to my family and friends and paying my bills, who has time to remember where I  was  or where I told you I was last week.  Seriously, grow up. All my free time is spent sleeping.  

Now, the final straw was when I went to his house. I guess that is standard that if I go to a man’s house, I’m supposed to just give it up.  This was I guess our second date. There were so many gaps in our time together that I just don’t remember. We were talking and he showed me pictures one of his children and we were having a good conversation. He then as I was in mid sentence kissed me. At this point, it wasn’t as heart melting but, he still was such a good kisser. We then went into the room and he immediately began to try to undress me.  For some reason, I hesitated. I just thought, there were so many reasons not to do this.  We hadn’t been anywhere in public, he had not one but 2 kids, he was still sketchy about where he worked and really anything. I froze. Now that I think about it that happens more than I would like. He told me that I should leave if I did not want to continue. I then walked out of the room, put my belt back on and got ready to leave. It gets fuzzy here but he did not want me to leave until I calmed down. We talked a little more about what, I did not know but I eventually left.  Needles to say, I never saw him again. When I saw him I thought is this love but I in fact, was wasting time and waiting in vain.

Waiting in Vain Part I

He is now in my phone under the listing “Run, Run”. I should have ran instead of waiting in vain for this one.

I met him at a club. No story ever ends well when you start it with that sentence; yet I do it anyway.  I go to clubs, I meet people, and I expect to find someone normal there. Now when I say club, it’s also bars, lounges etcetera.  I went to a reggae night.  I love all music but I love to dance to reggae music. Something about it just takes over me and my body.  Everyone who knows me is often surprised when they see me dancing to reggae music. Any other time in my life, I’m pretty uncoordinated.  Anyway, I saw him first.  He was standing there, clearly enjoying the music but not dancing with anyone.  In between wining my hips and waist in a suggestive manner (by myself because I don’t like to get too hot and sweaty) I watched him.  I watched him for a while.  

   He was chamomile tea personified. Smooth, relaxing and looks that made your soul feel good. What made me notice him was his hair. It was natural and not quite an afro, but out. It was styled like Bob Marley photos before he grew his full dread locks.   His hair looked like it felt like cashmere and it was beautiful.  His skin was flawless- smooth and almond-like. He looked as if his face never had a blemish nor did he know what they were. He didn’t even look like he ever had any more facial hair aside from the neat 5 o’clock shadow. He was tall and built like a runner and though he did not say a word I knew he was native of the West Indies.    I needed him to talk to me to confirm that he had a sexy accent. As usual, for the night, I was in love. Any woman would be.   

   I finally could not take him standing there looking so sexy and not talking to me. Normally I am seriously shy especially when a man looks that good. So I thought of the most obvious thing to start with. Hello. He said hello and I asked him why he wasn’t dancing. He asked me the same. He was bright, charming and  he had the accent (deep sigh).  We sat and talked. It all seemed lovely at the time. He told me his name and I told him mine.  I began to interrogate him but he shut that down. He began to ask me all the questions. I liked it. He asked me where I worked and then made a joke that he was one of my agencies clients. He said to me that it was clear that I had been with a Jamaican before. I told him no however, I have dated a Guyanese a Trini and…….. that’s where he interrupted me.

He said he did not want to hear about my past as I could possibly be his wife one day and he did not want to hold my past against me. I responded that I did not really do many things that I’m ashamed of. He said that I seemed like a very smart girl and I knew that it would not last yet, I slept with them. I said hmm. In my head, I know he was right. I went on to tell him.  I didn’t always, that’s just how it turned out.  He gave me the side eye and said I should only sleep with my husband.

 

  I really don’t remember much else.  I just remember being intrigued, especially by his comment.  The rest of the conversation was mere background noise because while I was mid-sentence he kissed me. I melted. I remember undressing him with my eyes and if I had a little less self control, I would be on my back in the clubs bathroom- true story.  

We continued to stare one another down; there was something I can only describe as kismet between us that night. He asked me to go home with him. I said no. It was a bad idea and after he told me about holding my past against me, I did not want to start our history this way- just in case.

Stay Tuned ……….

Mind Your Business that’s all …Just Mind Your Business

For the better part of 5 years, my day job involves investigating people.  I investigate their lives, their lies, and their activities. In addition, whenever there is a state or city test, I often score in the 90th percentile and above when it comes to investigative tactics. I live for   “a ha, I caught you in your lies moments”.   The only reason why I am not a police officer is because I’m too spastic to carry a gun. The world is better off with me unarmed.  I’m good at investigating for many reasons. I say it’s because I have had lots of practice, but also it is because I am a woman.  Somehow I have been blessed with the ability to find out the most intricate of details of my other be it significant or not with little to no effort. I also thank social media for that as well.  Normally, I am glad to have this talent as it has saved me heart ache, embarrassment and all the things that come along with being the last to know.  Today, I am not so certain.

So I guess, I made up with one of the many guys I have encountered along the way (who he is not important). Long story short, he was supposed to be going to his parent’s house for the summer which is far away from where I am.  I did not expect him to be home this summer.  For some reason, last week, I felt like he was still in my city. There was no rhyme or reason, but something told me he was here.  Because I did not want to seem like I was "sweating" him I went to his face book page to see what he was up to at home. I missed him, but I did not want him to know.  I'm nosy and I conceal my feelings - so sue me.  I don’t know why but I had a feeling he was still home as well. He has never lied to me to my knowledge but I’m sure that he was here. I go to his page and I see a post about baseball tickets being purchased and a locating tag being my city. I had a conniption to say the least.  Why did he say he was going home for the summer? Why did he come back and not tell me? Did he even leave? Something is not right and I actually do not know what to do.


Normally, I would just call him, curse him out and that would be that.  Done, stick a fork. But when I picked up the phone to call him and call him 1,000 snakes,  liars, and  expose him for the deceitful  person he is  I realized ; I can’t do that. I ACTUALLY like this one and I want to continue getting to know him. He’s undoubtedly crazy but I don’t think he is crazy enough to try to deceive me without some logical explanation. I know I have to keep my mouth shut but its killing me.  To say anything will expose me and to say nothing leaves this uneasy pang in my soul. Now if I was not my snooping self, I would not know that he was back or had never left and I would be in bliss right now. I should have minded my business.

Give it Away ! Wait ...Give it Away?

It was the first week of my freshman year of college . I remember being so excited . I was hoping to finally have a real boyfriend and finally give away my virginity- Not necessarily in that order. I figured because I was already 18 and was one of the last of my friends to give it up , I didn't see an issue with finding the first cute guy to lose it to . I mean , I learned and had the whole "wait till I'm married"  idea but truth be told ,  I did not see  getting married as an option for a long time.  I wanted to know what the hype was about and if it was even hype at all.

  I was curious .I was dying to know why my friends were cutting school , flunking , lying and scheming just to have sex. I wanted to know why women would lose their minds , their money and themselves  .  I was often told I didn't know what I was missing but I knew I was missing something . I was on the sidelines  while a big event was  going on. I knew what but I never felt it . I was determined to find out .


I remember the first party I went to  and I still remember his face. As usual, I was  in love at first sight but way too shy and feeling way too awkward about my  looks to do anything . He was not too tall but he was in the realm of my type at the time . My type was my complexion and lighter and cute . I wasn't very picky back then and could not appreciate a dark skinned man like I can today; I digress.

   He was light skinned with green eyes and wavy hair . He had a wave pattern in his hair that rivaled the ocean . The waves swirled around his head.   As  they say  where I'm from , his waves were spinning . My favorite was the green eyes though. It was rare and  made him that much more appealing. I saw him way before he saw me . I watched him . He looked at me and I smiled nervously and looked away . He came to talk to me and my roommate and I just knew he was interested in  her . Wrong .


He had a slight lisp which was dorky but cute in a way . He introduced himself and my roommate being the amazing person she was/  is  noticed I was interested so she stepped back but kept a watchful eye .  Even one week into the semester,  she had the makings of a BFF. She is my BFF till this day.  Anyway , as I was talking to him, I remember he asked me to describe myself in one word and I being my rebellious self said , "A walking contradiction." He laughed and said, "that's 3 words ." I responded I could not be reduced to  one word . We left the party and talked . As I'm thinking about this I'm  shocked I still remember this when it was almost 10 years ago .   The first night I met him, we sat in Amitie plaza  which was an outdoor sit down area. We talked and kissed a little and it was sweet .

     I thought he was amazing and he made me feel like I was beautiful  which I did not feel at  the time .  We would see one another and spend time together occasionally when we saw one another.  I just knew he would be the one.   One night I  was coming back from a party and i saw him . I remember I was wearing a fuchsia sweater that was button down and some jeans . He walked me back  to my room and  I let him in . We talked about the decorations and my side of the room was pretty much bare .  We started to kiss and somehow we ended up in the laundry room . I was seated on the dryer and my sweater was open . I  was ready to give it away now .  As I was getting ready to take off my bra he stopped . He took a deep breath and said " I can't do this ."

I was confused . I asked him what he meant . He said that he did not "do" relationships as they were too painful. He went on to say that I was a relationship type and he did not want to hurt me . I was dumbfounded but not speechless.  When I quickly came out of my stupor, I told him that relationships did not have to be painful and I could not possibly see how he could or would hurt me . I  told him  I knew I would not hurt him.  He kissed me and walked away. I was upset . I was left wet on the dryer . But what happened next left me devastated . He stopped talking to me .

     I would try to say hello and he'd walk past me as if he never met me. He ignored me as if he didn't tell me about his family , how he missed his deceased his mother and how he remembered how she used to sing to him. He so easily  turned cold when he shared his hopes and his dreams . I could not believe he just disconnected from me. I was  hurt . I didn't cry , but it hurt .  After some time,  I got over it and I didn't understand fully what he was trying to do until years later but I learned that to him I was worth the wait and I should not just give it away . He was a big part of the reason I didn't have sex until years  later . He let me know that I didn't have to just give it away despite my thoughts . I'll always remember him for that .

We spoke the next year of school but he still kept me at arms length . In hindsight, I believe that he knew what he was capable of and he did not want to involve a innocent looking sweet girl like me (at least at that time ) in his sophomoric shenanigans and sexual conquests . He knew he'd only mess me up and he did not want to hurt me . He ignored me so that I would forget about him  .  I did for a while especially when he left in the middle of  sophomore  year. But every now and again , I still think about him .

I wish I knew where he was . I wish this not to rekindle what we had but to thank him because he made me remember something I almost forgot and forget from time to time- my worth. I thought he was the one  but I guess there were other plans in the stars.  He was right relationships can be painful . For someone who feels like they have not loved greatly , I have experienced a lot of pain . I guess he was trying to diminish the amount I experienced . Though he stopped talking to me , I  still really see him in a positive light.   Maybe it would not be that way had  we continued.  I only hope that wherever he is, he is happy and although I have made a lot of bad choices , I think there would have been way  more if he let me give it away.