Just one of those things

See, sometimes we do things that we know we have no business doing. I wasdoing something I have no business doing  on and off for the a year. I was about 2 years ago. I guess I shouldn’t have been doing it but ,  sometimes seizing the day means being self indulgent even if  it reaps self destruction . I was chasing after something that could not be.  Am I done chasing? Yes.  I have written about him in various posts however, I think that’s why I liked him. He kept me entertained, he kept me interested and he kept me guessing.

The first time I met him, I knew that either this was going to be amazing, or it was going to be a disaster.  He reminded me of one of my favorite  situations  but cooler , more savy and crazier.  I also knew that I had never felt that spark so quickly.  He made me feel like the main character in the adjustment bureau the first night I met him, I knew nothing would be the same again. During our situation, I felt like Mary J.  “Me and Mr. Wrong get along so good..." you know the rest.  And today I take it back to  Mariah Carey's " Cant let Go" . Even though I try, I can’t let go.   Art is life - point blank period.

Initially I wondered why he was so fun and charming when I met him. I was intoxicated by the fact that he was not intimidated by me. He was curious. He asked all the questions and I loved that he was interested in me.  He was sour cream and onion chips personified and as my brother says "Bitches love sour cream and onion". He tried to spare me by telling me that I freaked him out but I would just say grow up.  

I never saw him much, but whenever we did see one another, we had a good time. Sometimes there was sex, sometimes there was not, but I was always happy to be in his presence.  He made me feel like a kid again. Maybe not a kid but definitely reminded me that I was still young and it was okay to have fun, live freely without rules, without  living up to what others expect of you , and  to be comfortable.   He made me feel great to be me and comfortable.  Never in my short life have I met any man I was interested romantically who did this for me.

 Though he took me to my highest heights, the lows were just that.  I’m good for throwing  men in the garbage for this but I don’t know.   He would ignore my texts, calls and never truly did anything to make me feel like I was someone that could be his. It is hard to say but it is true.  All we ever did was hang out at his house.  I didn’t really ask , but he never offered to take me out.   I knew I liked him but I was never sure if I wanted to be anything more that what we were.  I just knew I liked having him in my life.  Just having someone I could talk to and just be with that did not make demands on me was worth it. 



The other night, I was feeling a little frisky and so I called him. (Sue me, Everyone is entitled to hoe moments.)   He didn’t answer. I thought he was mad at me because I told him off the week prior so I text him.  He then said to me that he wanted to be honest with me and he wanted me to know that he was not looking for anything serious and all he wanted was sexual favors. At that moment, that was all I wanted too. I was mad that he was saying these things to me not because I was upset , but in that moment, he was killing my vibe .   Now this was not his usual and we never discussed this since our last blow out.  I said to him that I wanted to know why. He said that he knew he would not marry me.  I was freaked out because all I wanted was sex. I know this is bad but it was true.  I was reading what he was saying  through goggles of lust.  Nothing else mattered in that moment.  I did tell him that I wanted him never to lie to me.  He agreed but there are no guarantees.    
So I went to see him. He was himself as usual however; he did not want to kiss me like he once had. He didn’t hold me like he used to but still was hilarious as ever.  When I woke up the next morning, I realized that this should be the last time we meet. I woke him up to say goodbye but I did not touch him.  Normally he will ask if he would see me again or if I’d call him- He did not. Normally I would kiss him – I didn’t. . The haze of the night was over, our lust lenses dispersed with the coming of the sun. I think we both knew it should end there.   

I wonder about his claim about the sparks. I wonder if he in fact did not feel them. I sincerely doubt it.  How could he smile and look at me like that, deal with my antics rants and raves, hold me, sleep cuddled with me and all and all made me feel again. Maybe it was all a game, maybe it wasn’t but I know that for some reason we will never be anything other than what we were.   Stay tuned. Hopefully there will be no more posts of me going back to him. He was just one of those things.

Have you ever dealt with someone who  you  know should be left alone?   How did you handle it?
What did you think I should do?

Only one at a Time

             Sooooooo .. I decided to be back,  It's been a while. Not that I haven't been dating in the 10 months since my last post. However,  I  needed time away from it.  I think that I didn't need the blog so much anymore. I think ...... Or maybe I just needed some time away .  I   am going to try and be better . Don't get mad at me yall .

       With that said, I will get on with it.  I met him in January . He was  6'5" a divorcee  from out of state. He had all the things that I was looking for. He had a career, a car , and a house . He also told me I was beautiful. He  would pick me up, drop me off and he wasn't afraid to come to visit me because of my neighborhood. I was crazy about him. 
    
    I was so crazy about him I gave him some on the second date. That is probably a record for me. I never give it up. I use my vagina on average about twice a year! Charlottes web aint got nothing on me :-) .   In any event, being with him  physically or not  was always a great time.  Everything was  wonderful, he  was a gentleman in public and an animal behind closed doors. I thought I was falling in love.

  I didn't notice it  because at the time, I was working  full time, going to school full time and interning. Lets just say a good day was 5-6 hours sleep was a rare treat for me. There were times I did not remember what  he said or conversations we had.  I felt bad but it was true.  At first he would complain about it , then he used it to his advantage. He would twist events and make me out to be the bad one in any disagreement we had.  Because I was concentrating on getting an advanced degree , If I remembered to put on underwear I was lucky . He was lucky that my memory was not at 100 percent .
  
       The last straw was when he said he told me he was going to Vegas. He left and didn't call me the entire time he was there. I was not  expecting a  call every day but at least a  hey , or  I'm here.  That was all I wanted .  Not a call every day . Not to mention he was there playing poker  and it was Vegas.   I saw Casino-  I was scared for him.  When he came back he made it seem like I was crowding him. Like I had time for that .   He then compared me to his ex-wife  and his brother who he said were not upset with him and assumed he was having fun.  I guess I cared too much . Wait. There's more.

  There was also the joke ... (or so I thought it was a joke)  about  me getting a friend for us to share. Initially I didn't take him serious especially because I'm, not about that life and that's nothing I would ever want to try. I'm not saying its wrong or right, I'm just saying its not for me.  He even offered to get a stripper if I wasn't comfortable with a friend.  I told him no.  He laughed it off .    Every time I was out with friends or I showed him a picture with me and friends , he would joke( or so I thought ) about which one he wanted.  I finally confronted him about it and even asked if he would mind  if I wanted a guy.  He said he would do it for me.  I was disgusted. He didn't see things my way.  To me the bed was not for three.  I had to say goodbye   I only do one at a time. 

So in this instance , What would you  have done?

Some Questions Need not be Answered

He is married now . I think about him  every now and again.  I  for some reason  cannot speak to him and I have not in years. I feel it would be disrespectful. I remember our last conversation and the DVD  he let me borrow that I never returned. It was college. He  was the boy next door almost literally.  What was funny was that his looks intimidated me as well as the fact that many girls were after him.  The ladies loved him.  As well they should have. He played sports, was tall and knew good music. He always smelled good.  I dont believe he ever wore cologne but somehow the merging of his natural body scent, his lotion and soap made his hugs intoxicating.  Almost 10 years ago, I often forgot about him. I was young and focused on my career. I knew that so many were after him and I had not the first clue on how to compeat. I had home court advantage because he live across the hall, but I was shy, knew nothing of the dating world, and did not want to be hurt. In the midst of this, I also had  someone who I thought I would be with.  I now call that person voldemort. He was the evil I gave my heart to when I could have been with this one.  However, I digress.   Back to this one.  

I remember deciding to tell him and he said that we will see. That answer was not enough for me. I hated that answer. Now that Im older, I wish that  I was a little more patient. I had and still had the problem that I thought that people should feel things at the rate that I do . I took  "We'll see" and turned it into : I getting a lot of action right now and I cant promise you anything so proceed at  your own risk."  At that time, I knew in my heart that I could  not handle the heartbreak or the risk associated with love and relationships. Back then, I knew I was going to be a high powered attorney and love, like, relationships and dating were not a priority. I also knew that I was not ready to have sex as I was a virgin when I met him. I'm sure he probably knew but  I was not about to share that information with anyone willingly. That being said, he found someone else. I really liked him but not enough to deviate from my plans.  The funny thing is , I deviated from them anyway. 

This reminds me of my post Patience is a name not my virtue. I wonder what would have happened if I was patient and let things happen.  There is no way to know. He is happy I think and even if he isn't the time we would have had has past  and I'm okay with that. Some of life's questions will remain as that.   

What would you do if you were living with your "what if's"? Would you continue on, or would you  say something?

Bye Boy

Would you help a person you did not know well but he was down on his luck but you did not know him well?  Well I have a story about it , like to hear it, here it goes

So I met this guy about a month ago actually almost two.  He was dark not too tall but taller than me. Not too fly but his appeal was the fact that he seemed to understand me for who I was and he was and there did not seem to be hiding anything. He was smart, funny, had a job, no kids and his own apartment and was nice to me.  Unfortunately, being nice to me seems to require a lot for the way men are built these days.   But I digress , For once I considered someone I was seeing a man.  

   We talked for like 2 weeks over the phone before we finally met.  Initially I thought “Here we go”.  At this point between my job, my internship and school I really did not have time for shenanigans and the on-goings that I entertained during the summer.  I refused to call him, text him or communicate in any way unless it was initiated by him.  I just wasn’t into it like that in the beginning.  I had so much going on, I just couldn’t.  Also, I needed to see his interest level and whether or not it was worth it. So, he called  he texted, and said the right things. He was funny, he was corny, he was intelligent and I loved every minute of it.  He even would stay up to talk to me while I walked home from the train station.

We went on a few dates and hung out.  Each time was a lot of fun.  He was a very good kisser.  There was even one time I cooked dinner. Yes –I do cook and yes I cooked for a man.  I hadn’t cooked dinner in about 4 years for a man. For once, I felt like I was on a level playing field with someone.   After 4 weeks I really saw some potential and I began to call and text. Things were going well -until.  There’s always an until

I noticed him asking me about my job and we would joke about the benefits that my job afforded me.   He then told me he was updating his resume because he was looking for a new job. I thought it was great as he was being proactive about being unhappy at work. Maybe a week later, he told me that he was getting laid off. I was worried about it but I figured that it was like my job it wasn’t a big deal.  He could find another position within his job or something. I noticed him getting distant however not rude. He then told me that he would have move out of his apartment.   He then text me saying we needed to take a step back as he did not have time.  

Now as I said before, I was working on my mouth, so for once I did not lose my cool. Honestly, I was sleeping I guess because I’m always exhausted sleeping was more important. I told him that this was not the venue to express said feelings and I was taking a nap and I was going back to do this. We did talk eventually and he said he did not have any time for being in a relationship as he did not know where he was going to live and was about to be out of a job. I understood however, he seemed to want to cut all ties when he asked, what if he asked to stay with me for a month? I said I would have to think about it. I asked him if he wanted me to wait. He said he could not ask that. I haven’t heard from him again.

To me, something is rotten in the state of Denmark. There is so much he is not telling and so much I did not need to know. I wonder if I did the right thing.  All I know is, Bye boy.  

Mr. Green

All about Green 

My next adventure in the online dating scene was A guy who seemed to have it somewhat together . Though I could tell he had a rough childhood , he seemed a little aggressive but still nice . We talked, shared a few laughs via e-mail and I decided he could have my number . 

He said he was a wall street guy . That seemed interesting to me as all he talked was money  green all day . I have never worked in the for profit world so it seemed interesting . Things started to go awry when I asked him what he did for fun . He proceeded to tell me that all he did was smoke weed and play video games .  Really !? Initially I thought he was playing but he insisted he was not and because I had a taste for having hobbies and going somewhere and doing something , he insisted that was a negative . He was all about money green , the green marijuana and his green (and black)Xbox . And I then got green in the face -sick .

I already decided that he was in the garbage when he decided to send me a special message that further solidified that he was crazy . He sent me a picture of his member .  He continued to make me sickly . I told him that I was not about that life and fortunately   , he has left me alone.  

Shhhhhh! Shut it !

Perhaps You Have Said Too Much

Because I am running out of stories and I am slowly getting bored , I decided to try my hand at online dating . I started speaking to one guy and I wasn't that attracted to him from what I saw but he seemed nice . I decided I wanted to hear his voice so I gave him my phone number . We talked on the phone and he asked me why I was single . I told him I meet crazy guys . I mentioned the guy from  computer love and one other previous posting . He then spoke about girls trying to use him for money   , girls not being too interested and his last relationship . He went on and on about how they lived together , why they broke up and how silly he thought it was.  He went on and on and on and even mentioned their sex life . Truth be told, I didn't want to hear all of that . It made me pity him and also think he was effeminate . He then went on to tell me he lived at home , he had friends that he was smarter than and brought up his views on gay marriage .  How would you feel if the first phone conversation you had with a guy was like this ? I mean I listen , I'm good at it but when you are telling me about how dumb your friends are , I'm not sure I really want to be in your circle as you can choose your friends. So if your friends are so bad, why do you continue to have them in your life ?  I'm  thinking he needs a therapist so I told him. 

I then told him he wasn't for me . He proceeded to get whiny and ask why ? His exact words were "why don't you like me ?".  What would you have answered ? I chose not to answer . My thoughts were ,  I just met you and you're asking questions that even I would not ask at this point in my life . 

He told this stranger a lot . I think people should think about what they disclose to people in the beginning . Perhaps he said too much . Wouldn't you agree ? 

Crush the way ...I like it !

Do you remember being young and having a crush? You feel weak in the knees. Your eyes, your heart and face light up when you think about this person. You can't speak when they’re around. You faint internally when that person speaks to you. I live for this feeling. I live to tell a close friend that I saw the current crush today. I live for the butterflies, light flirting and the hope.

Honestly, I feel like every week I have a new crush. I do. Something happens to me. I see someone, they become my crush and I either pursue it or I just let it linger. When I let it linger is the fun part. I talk to the person crack jokes maybe just say a faint hi. It feels great just to have a crush. I think it's the excitement of the secrecy. My private world and imagination run wild when I'm crushing on someone. Some of my best writing pieces were written when I had a crush.

When I pursue a crush the fun starts to dwindle, it loses excitement and the person many times loses luster. I get to know them and I get bored. I get disappointed. Lastly they often become a blog story to entertain my friends and my readers. Crushes for me often end tragically and the magic I once felt is incinerated by reality of what the person is and not what I hoped they would be. So sadly I'm a crush whore. Crushing because sometimes the things I imagined are so much better than what these people turn out to be . How do you feel about crushes?